Sunday, January 6, 2008


Why is it that, the more everything is beautiful around me the more wretched i feel? People think i am creative. I think i am not. When i look at myself in the mirror, all i find is a pair of inimical eyes casting saturnine glances disregarding my very existence. Creative people have a soothing serenity and tranquility in their eyes which i have never found in my eyes. And thats becoz my inner and outer worlds have always been at logger-heads, swinging the real "ME" , widely and quickly from one extreme to the other. Why dont we Homo sapiens have an intuitive sense of direction?

I am 20 now and i still dont have a purpose in life. Half the time i dont know what to do with myself...............and there's such a long life to live. I feel like looking up at the skies and screaming, " Damn you Universe. Why the hell did you have to waste so much of time and energy in creating a poltroon like me? And now that u have created me, cant u bless me with a sane mind, capable enough of finding a purpose in life? " Believe me that was no rhetoric. Its really difficult to face something, which you dont want to face, yet you must face. Why cant i return to those halcyon dayz of my life, when i had something to do, a purpose, a target, a destination, that i wanted to reach? May be i am born out of my time. I dont know where i am, or where i am going. I'll never do anything, and i'll never amount to anything. I think i'll never make it as a successful human being. Its either this world or the next!!


OK, think i had a nice surgical exposure of my soul and i have no intention of discussing my soul's welfare any further. But that's how i am. Am habituated in putting down my thoughts, even the crazy ones. Coz writing is my way of relaxing, of working off my mounting frustrations over my inefficiency. Its my way of compensating for not being what i wanted to be.

Well, i saw the movie 'Sangam' yesterday and it left me ten times more depressed than i was. It isnt "depression" exactly but it did strike a visceral note somewhere. Got nearly sento three times ( mind it!!, just "nearly" ), but i dont wanna make a polite, emotional mess out of it. It made me realize that, human relationships are fragile, and therefore, fissile. The movie's all about, Friendship, Love, Sacrifice, Love, Friendship, and Sacrifice ( in that order ). I really dont have a problem with, " friendship and sacrifice ", though i think that, the whole point of a sacrifice is that you give up something you never really wanted in the first place. I hope you understand what i mean? I find people doing it around me all the time.

And what can i say about "LOVE". I am a tyro in that context. Guess, along with organic chemistry, its the only word which tops the list of "weasel-words". I had read somewhere that,

" Love is like racing across the frozen tundra on a snowmobile which flips over, trapping you underneath. At night the ice-weasels come."

Believe me, i have no clue what the above sagacious thing means, its ten times more confusing than Kirchoff's Law. Or maybe "love" is no different than Kirchoff's law. The electrical circuit can be 'life', and Kirchoff's law can be 'love' itself. Now many have described love to be a breath-takingly beautiful emotion but in a relationship, one goes through different things and there are more chances of taking the other person for granted. And in the process, the initial innocence of love gets lost and you end up seeking other options. The same thing happens when applying Kirchoff's law as well. I end up giving so many directions to the current flow, that i lose track of the actual current and its magnitude. Usually i end up proving that the total current coming into a junction is not equal to the total current going out of the junction. Which is just the opposite of what the law states. Samjhe????? What samjhe, jab main khud nahin samjhi toh tum kya samjhoge!!!

Before i sign off, i leave you guys and gals also, with the lyrics of the antara of the song dost dost na raha, which is one of the highlights of the movie

Amanate main pyaar ki, gaya tha jis ko sonp ke,
woh mere dost tum hi the, tumhi toh the,
jo zindagi ki raah main, bane the mere humsafar,
woh mere dost tumhi the, tum hi toh the.
saare bhed khul gaye, raazdaar na raha
zindagi humein tera aetbaar na raha, aetbaar na rahaaaaaa

Guys try n listen to this song. You dont have to be in a similar situation to love it. Its a delicate conflation of sadness and romance. Its a must on every playlist. But its Bryan Adams who is currently playing on my playlist.

Now Playing:: 18 till i die....................

Friday, January 4, 2008

Quixotic Morning Part 2

Ladies and gentlemen, guys, gals and pals, fasten your seat belts and brace yourself, coz you are about to read the puke from the mind of a certified wacko like me; so get ready to be bedazzled. Now i have to caution my readers ( if any!! ) that the post is not funny, not sad, infact it would fail to evoke any kind of emotion at all, but i had a nice time putting it down. So dont torture your soul by proceeding further. You think i cant see you, i know the cursor is almost on the cute red-cross on the top right hand corner of your screen n there it

Hey hi, so some of you are still reading........strange!!! Ok now that you have decided to read it, make sure that you have the part one in your kitty coz there's a continum of mood. And after reading dont say that, Deepika bina peeke dimaag chaat ti hai. Aisa kabhi mat kehna feel hota hai n that red cross is still there. Ok enough of the introduction for a not so good post but lets get started. Enjoy.

Since nobody was around i decided to recharge the Wordsworthian battery in me by taking a brief mental foray into nature. It was indeed a "brief" foray becoz of the intrusion caused by two human species who made their appearance on the stage. I am actualy rushing into the facts coz i really dont want to bore the few readers that i have, to death by giving them an account of what i saw in Nature. Just notice my immense respect for your time and patience. So the gates were open and two guys walked in through them. Now the philanthrope in me started jumping in glee n the misanthrope started grouching coz their Activa would be the first to get serviced.

The nazron ka milna, dilon ka dhadkna, thing didnt happen as we exchanged not so friendly looks. It was chilly no doubt but those two guys were so much wrapped in warm clothes cap-a-pie, i thought they were refugees from Greenland. Just when i was watching these strange creatures from the corner of my eye, my cell phone startled me with the ringtone of doorie. It was queer coz nobody calls me that early in the morning, but who else could be synonymous with queer other than Barsha. Here's a close friend who had called to wish me a Happy Birthday.........two weeks later.

It was 7:30 n many customers had turned up by then ( about 6 ) but there was still no trace of the people in charge. The lecherous looks of these people was really driving me crazy n i wanted to scream," kabhi ladki nahin dekhi hai kya? " I was in a quandary whether to stay or leave. A few minutes later a squabby fellow entered the scene riding a bicycle. I think this guy was genuinely happy to see me there even though i was not a "fair" representative of the fairer sex. Well his happiness was evident in the broad grin with which he greeted me, leaving me with no option but returning the gesture with the same. This guy was the care-taker, u know the one with the keys. Then followed the mechanics n the guy who notes down stuff n makes you sign atleast three papers minimum. The formalities were over n my Blacky followed Goldy into the operation theatre. Blacky certainly has all the traits of a sapphic i guess.

The squabby fellow came smiling again ( think he was suffering from smiling diahorrea ) n asked," Madam, wait karibe na paleibe? "( Madam u'll wait or go? ) Now this was the first time that i was addressed as "madam" in public domain n it certainly lifted my spirits a bit. When i said i would wait, he looked doubly happy ( strange guy!! ) He led me to the waiting hall n switched on the goggle-box. Handing me the remote control he advised me to press the buttons real hard if i had to change channels. Think that was a nice way of saying "do not change the channel." Anywayz 9xm was the channel that i was forced to watch, but i guess it was better than just sitting n twiddling thumbs.

I would have preffered the latter had i not been compelled to watch, forget listen, Himesh Reshammiya's songs that to early in the morning. It was arrant torture, imagine i had to watch songs like, rafta rafta, zara jhoom jhoom n those stupid songs from Aap ka suroor. I think this guy was a wolf in his previous birth n with all those ooooooooooooooooooo stuff in his songs, it seems like he's on the look out for a she-wolf for mating. I just feel like taking that cap out and depilating him. Ok no more indulging in the traducement of Mr. Reshammiya.

And yes the smiling guy walked in again, with the Times n asked "madam coffee na tea?" This certainly made my mind race wildly in circles n i thought "was this guy on a quixotic mission or something?" Whatever he was on, i certainly couldnt skip the opportunity of having coffee on a chilly winter morning n especially after watching Himesh's songs a hot cuppa is like a placebo. Well the guy disappeared to fetch coffee n i was left all with myself n the goggle-box once again. I started flipping the pages of the Times; my visual senses taking everything at a time but my mind registering nothing at all. The guy returned to me ( sounds like some amour na!! ) with coffee and ofcourse he was smiling. I thought the guy would leave, but he was still standing there with a stupid expression on his face, as if he was expecting something. Then it dawned on me that i had to pay him. How stupid of me to think that somethings cant be "free". I asked "how much?", opening my wallet. He simply stammered," just wanted to know howz it?" Confused at this i managed a,"ohhhh ok.........", took a sip, it was super hot, the damn thing burnt my tongue and i managed a,"its nice". Well reader you might be thinking that i am a shameless creature and actually i am shameless, i accept favors too easily. But the hypocrite in me did offer to pay for the coffee though it didnt compel the guy, he was too reluctant, what could i do, how could i break his heart and more importantly his "smile".

After the smiling guy left, the two other guys walked in ( remember the refugees from Greenland), with a poonch kata hua bandar expression on their faces. The exchange of looks followed and they settled on the sofa in front of me. Think they were flabbergasted to see me having coffee n i am sure they were doubting the 'smiling guy'. They had nothing else to do except watching the goggle-box, with a concentration so intense as if 9xm ( the channel that was playing ) was airing episodes on the origin of life on earth. They did look around for the remote but guess they were too scared to enter my vicinity. And mean while i sneaked a look of their faces. One of them ( the guy with specs ) was weasel-faced and was actually quite charming. The other guy reminded me of one of my friends and appeared to be a bit squiffy, although he wasnt.

Now, guys there are times when u feel like running away from a place or situation but at the back of your mind u know that u cant flee, you have to silently suffer the agonies of embarrassment at your arrant helplessness. That's what i had to go through but now i find it extremely funny. Here's what happened. The camera zooms in. Three strangers; a gal and two guys in a waiting hall, happily watching the song dhoom tana ( OSO ), with smiles on their faces. The song comes to an end and the song bheege honth tere ( Murder ) starts playing. The smile disappears, a strange expression, the one which is new even to the world of films, starts creeping all over the three faces. The gal grows restive and starts casting furtive glances on the floor and other parts of the universe. The guys grow restive aswell but continue watching the non-veg on screen. The song comes to an end and the three of them return to normalcy occasionally sneaking looks at each other. The camera zooms out.

It was nine o' clock by then and i decided to go downstairs to check out the status. I was about to leave when the smiling guy ( again!! ) came running ( not exactly running, he was taking huge steps but ), saying, "madam your activa is ready." At this statement the two guys came out with a "and what about ours?" The smiling guy replied rather blunty," go downstairs and check out!!" Believe me they would have smashed every bone in his body had the the smiling guy not replied,"i think its done aswell" with a smile. He showed me the counter where i had to pay the money and was there till i collected the reciept. He told me to wait near the gate and returned riding my Blacky which was super shining under the sun. I couldnt find the other two guys around though.

Anyway before leaving i asked the smiling guy his name; it was Shiv. Waved him a bye and zoomed away from the strange place. Recently heard about the molestation that took place in Mumbai but i think there are people like the smiling guy who make you realize that may be chivalry is not yet dead in this world.

Now Playing:: Back to you................................Bryan Adams