Sunday, December 30, 2007

The Year That Was

So here i am sitting in the twilight of the vanishing year and realizing how quickly sand is passing through the hour glass. Year endings have always been a sticky wicket for me coz its that time of the year when i am lost in a corner of the house, with a book in my lap- pleasing only my visual senses, but my mind would be crazy busy in retrospection and introspection. But this year has certainly been different, infact it has been really good to me, causing minimum of upsets and showering a cornucopia of feel-good things. I really hope this tryst with good fortune continues for a long run.

Ofcourse no one can go forward with a load of aching memories, n the same is applicable to me as well but thank the Universe, 07 has been a year of attrition sans contrition. I realized that the Universe is under no obligation to give us what we propose. We take what we get and are thankful its no worse than it is. For the first time in my life i am not regretting things that i have done. I had taken certain decisions, and even though some of them turned out to be arrant nightmares, but i have stood by them. I felt it was high time that i start respecting my own decisions. I wont put myself on trial now. I have been on trial every day and night for nearly three years.

I have been able to sort out a few significant differences between my life at present and that in the year before. Altering certain things transcended me from the ennui of existence to the terra incognita of a state called, "living". I realized failure is something that brings you extremely close to reality; personally connects you with some of the simple facts of life. Facts that i had been ignoring all my life. I used to tag myself as an under-achiever and a Loser. But then it dawned on me that these things are doing more harm than good to me, they are like psychological scars; invisible to the naked eye but capable enough to become an integral part of one's personality itself n making you hollow from within.

All my life i had been competing, running after things, trying to prove things to people. I got entangled in this web of EXPECTATIONS; got depressed, when i couldnt meet expectations, expectations of my family n teachers, and my own expectations of myself. Life was reduced to an andante passage of time. There were moments when i used to wait for mom n dad to leave for office n i would keep on crying for hours; such was my obsession to become a doctor. My eyes still get misty when i think of those dayz. They say every incident in our life teaches us something. I have no clue what i learnt, except the fact that there's a cold bastard called destiny which controls our life and we only get what we deserve. The sooner we realize this the better it is. But i am happy that i gave my cent percent.

Mechanisms beyond our control and understanding, determine our fate. But we are free to make choices and those choices yield consequences, if not the consequences we had anticipated. The simple theory that the world would continue to function as it has for aeons, made me kick life on its fundament and get rid off that damn depression. Believe me life has never been so beautiful ever before. And 2007, i can say has been a year of intellectual ignition, infact an alltogether new person walked in my body. The more i interacted with friends n people, the more i kept returning to my original self; a self that i had lost some where in the perilous psychological odyssey.

I had read some where that there's nothing to take seriously in this world or personally. Nothing that needs doing. All we have to do is to wake up and enjoy the experience, wake up and enjoy ourselves. Maybe that is the only reality in this world, which we need to realize. Inter alia, 2007 has been good coz i started 'FRISSON', which is soon becoming my idee fixe. And Karan ( the guy who left a comment on my previous post ) i'll be posting the second part ASAP.

So thats it readers, wishing all of you a great New Year. Enjoy every day coz every day is beautiful and we get so few of them.

Now Playing: Please forgive me............................Bryan Adams

Thursday, December 20, 2007

Quixotic Morning Part 1

Ya i woke up early today. Infact i spent a sleepless night tossing n turning, watching both the seasons of How I Met Your Mother n reading a couple of pages from Tagore's Chokher Bali. It so happened that when mom woke up at 5 in the morning ( i think mom should resign from her govt service n take up a job in hmt ghadiyan, i wonder how she gets up at dot 5 everyday without any alarm clocks would take a dozen of such clocks to wake me up n i would still be playing possum n yawning ) n saw me having tea she almost fainted n ran to the telephone to call dad to tell him to look out for a good mental asylum. Ok the above thing was too hokey to happen but mom did look at me as if i were a lunatic.

I shrugged out every bit of torpidity from my system this morning n thats becoz i had to take my Activa for servicing. I had been eschewing from this for quite some months now. Result.......serious starting trouble n brakes as loose as those fictitious screws in my brain. Infact i have been driving so slow that every cycle-rider seemed to ask me, race lagati hai kya?? And i would manage a, nahin bhaiya aaj kal race karne ka zamana kahaan raha aur aapke cycle ke saamne meri activa kahan tik payegi. So just decided to rescue the poor thing from the drudgery of a kachua to that of a pig ( pigs run faster than kachuas right? )

I left for the service station at 6:45. Now the service centre opens at 7:30 n if u are there by 7, u can hope that yours would be the first to get serviced. The morning sun seemed to be lazy as well n was too reluctant to come out. The cold wind made me shiver n my hands and feet went numb, i thought the blood circulation was cut off. I actually stopped mid-way to rub my palms to give that heating sensation. They had become all pink in colour n i remembered how warm it was back in home n the images of me sleeping peacefully in the warmth of the blanket started playing infront of my eyes.

It was 7:05 by the time i reached the service centre. The gates were wide open as if they were singing aaja aaja aaajaaa main hoon pyaar tera........I was so happy that i was the first to arrive, but my happiness stayed as long as a batsman in real bad form stays on the wicket when McGrath in his prime form is charging in. A golden coloured, without any dents Activa was teasing my black, full of scratches Activa n i ended up cursing the owner of this prim n proper Activa, who was wise enough to come before me. But there was nobody. Parking my blacky near the goldy i walked towards the gate. My imagination ran a bit wild n i wondered what would the activas be talking:: Keep scrolling to find out.

Goldy: Arrey behan tumhare jism pe yeh nishaan kaise?? ( referring to the scratches )

Blacky: ( almost on the verge of tears ) Ab tumse kya chupana behan. Jab se woh karamjali ( pointing towards me ) mujhe chala rahi hai, tabse yehi haal hai. Zindagi se rang, tarang aur umang ( my blacky is quite poetic, just like me ) jaise khatam ho gaya hai.
Background score............ Duniya mein hum aaye hain toh jeena hi padega.

Goldy: ( comforting ) Hamari zindagi hi aisi hai..........par mera aadmi mera achha khayal rakhta hai.

Blacky: Kaafi khushnaseeb ho behan. Soch rahi hun is kameeni par child molestation ka case kar dun. Abhi teen hi saal hue hain mere. Kabhi Bipasha Basu hua karti thi lekin aaj kal log mujhe Reema Lagoo bulane lage hain. Hayeeeee meri phooti kismat........

BY this time two guys, i mean total hunks walked in through those gates. Ok reader, thats for today, come again tomorrow, kyunki picture abhi baaki hai mere dost........

Now Playing: Here i am...................Bryan Adams

Wednesday, December 19, 2007

Before Midnight Musings

Well its half past ten and the house cloaked in a spooky silence, except for Rahman singing, mera yaar milade........on the real player, is pressing about on my loneliness. I have moved the chair close to the window n i can feel the cold wind grazing against my skin. I know i am shivering, but i dont feel like shutting the window. The night air is redolent with the scent of some flower whose name i do not know in particular, but its smelling sweet. I can hear the scary sough n my auditory senses are picking up certain sounds that i have never heard before. I am typing amidst this strange cacophony of the night world.

I hope its not some poltergeist playing these not so musical tricks on me. I have already started imagining one, dangling from the branches of the huge mango trees in our garden. I know i am sounding like some poltroon, n i know i can get rid off this scary feeling by closing the damn window, but i just dont want to. There's a pleasant frisson in the ambience which is stopping me from doing so. Although the window is open but not once have i stolen a glimpse of the outside night world. Ok fine i admit, i am scared of darkness. But its quite ironical that my brain is more active n my imagination more fertile in the night. So just wondering what kind of stuff i am made of??

Well exams are over n that explains this appearance on the blogosphere. For the past ten days i've been surviving on forty winks so its time for compensation n thats what i have been doing now. I am sometimes blessed with an exhausted, dreamless sleep. I had actually made a mental list of so many things that i had to do post exams but now i find that list is fast evanescing. I find it extremely hard to shrug off laziness, i wonder how the sea cows make their lazy asses move.

My room looks like a fabulous world awaiting serious order n arrangement. There's clutter everywhere n today i kept on searching for guess what, bro's laptop. Yes u read it right, i was '' searching'' for it. Now any mentally balanced person would keep the laptop either in its bag or on some table where its accessible, but not me. Guess where i found it. The poor thing was lying scared beneath a heap of dresses wondering about this strange cohabitation. But like an angel i saved this damsel in distress. By the way is it, 'in distress'or 'from distress'?? I always screw up prepositions. But i need to take care of the laptop as it is soon going to be paraya dhan. Bro's ''home-coming'' is due next month n so is the valediction. If bro reads this post he would surely fake a heart attack n would be on the next flight to home. Flight.........haila kaun kehta hai Hindustan garib hai!!!!

Yes i have finally shut the window coz i had a feeling that i was being watched. I felt somebody was taking a stroll in our garden. I know its just my over-fertile imagination playing these puerile games with me. But i dont think any ghost would be as scary as watching a movie starring only Dino Morea. And now that i have typed whatever poppycock was there in my head..........abhi iska title kya rakhoon. Chal upar scroll kar aur phirse ek baar title padhle.

Now Playing: Thandi hawa kaali ghata......................Mr n Mrs 55
Yes!! i am actually listening to it.

Saturday, December 8, 2007

Twenty Tapers........

The clock struck 12 and i broke up. Yes i broke up right now. I knew i had to go through this sometime or the other, but not today of all dayz. Its my birthday after all. It could have happened tomorrow or yesterday, but why today? I cant believe it has actually happened and i am going through what many have described but few can explain. I desperately wanna cry but even the tears seem to betray me. They seem to flood my heart but why arent they flowing? Why is an unreal feeling creeping all over me? O God where did i go wrong? No, i cant let this happen..........

But what is fated cannot be blotted. I wish i was never born. But retreating to the womb wont help me now. Ironically i didnt feel anything when we broke up. For a moment i was frozen with disbelief. Not shocked. Not outraged. Just numb!! Still cant believe that everything has come to an end--just like that--in an instant. I wonder how i'll be facing my loved ones in the morning. I cannot masquerade in a cloak of '' hey i am fine '' attitude. I'll have to feign happiness eventhough my entire universe is ossified into a strange sadness, fearful that someone might find the pain clearly written on my face. But i have to accept this fact and this break up, maybe will do a world of good to me. And i am not the only one going through a break up, everybody else has as well. Everybody?????????

Yes, everybody. Any 19 yr old on his or her 20th birthday would feel the same thing. Yes, ghonchu all this while i was talking about break up with my teen-age. ha haaaaaa haaaaaaaaa. Kyun zor ka jhatka zor se laga??? Yes, i was joking, perhaps i should wear a red nose and a funny hat. Oyye reader, kya, laga such much mera break-up ho gaya? But for a car to start you have to put the key in the ignition!!! samjhe?

So just cremated my teenage but being twenty sounds good enough. Ok i'll stop talking about death in any sense, its after all birth-day. Now in the whole year this is the only day when my cellphone gets shakily triumphant. It just wont stop ringing. I hv already recieved 4 calls n here comes another. Let me take it. So that makes it 5. And 7 messages. Bhai saadi popularity ke kya kehne!!!!! I hope i get good gifts as well.

Birthdays can be great fun if we get loads of gifts. This year i am sure of getting good ones coz my circle of friends has changed dimensions from that of a triangle to an actual circle which just keeps getting bigger n bigger. so the more no.of friends the more no.of gifts, moreover have you ever heard of the theory of ''investing in the favor bank''. I simply practice it. Birthday's without bro n sis ( cousin ) can be arrantly boring. But being the youngest has a lot of advantages n especially now when both of them have started working n earning humungous salaries. Both of them are quite bade dilwallas. Bro has so kind heartedly given his laptop ( hp da product ), n sis has given her PC.

Now i can proudly say,'' aaj mere paas laptop hai, PC hai, Activa hai, aur nokia mobile hai. Life mein aur ki mangta hai.'' See how materialistic i am, n that's becoz i am too afraid to strip down to my soul. But most important i hv ghar ka khana, which my bro n sis crave for. ha ha

I have seen that people usually start questioning themselves whenever an extra year gets added in their life span. U know the talk about achievements n stuff. But somehow these things really invite my disgust. I know i am not ambitious n i dont fit into the current version of the world which seems to be so driven by ambition. Maybe i am afraid of failure, but i am simply tired of competing. I never actually wanted to become anything, though there were times when i thought i could crack the medical entrances. I wasted two years of my life running after things which i could never achieve. Everytime i got a rank but not good enough to get into a govt aided institution. I wasnt failing but neither was i succeeding n there was this ceaseless upward spiral of increasing expectations that threw me into further heights of failure n depression. I wish i could delete 2005 from my life, but unfortunately i cant. But when i gave up competing, life seemed much better. I dont think i gave up competing exactly. What i actually adopted was the renunciation of fruits of action. Suddenly i am scoring well enough, topping semesters, n i am studying the subject i always wanted to study. So that's my life in a nut-shell. Thank you Universe for giving me a wonderful family.

A little info....... I share my Birthday with our kutte, kameene, main tera khoon pee jaaunga, garam dharam paaji n the ooi mam beauty Sharmila ( wow what a combo!! ). Hey here comes the special message that i had been waiting for, so its time to sign off. Yes Happy Birthday to me n wish me luck for the future.

Now Playing:Tumse Achaa kaun Hai....................
I really feel like dancing, but its high time that i flop into bed. Bye

ADDED LATER:: This post was meant to be published last night but thanx to a shaky net connection which was taking hell of a time to load blogger n was testing my patience which eventually i flunked.