Sangam

Why is it that, the more everything is beautiful around me the more wretched i feel? People think i am creative. I think i am not. When i look at myself in the mirror, all i find is a pair of inimical eyes casting saturnine glances disregarding my very existence. Creative people have a soothing serenity and tranquility in their eyes which i have never found in my eyes. And thats becoz my inner and outer worlds have always been at logger-heads, swinging the real "ME" , widely and quickly from one extreme to the other. Why dont we Homo sapiens have an intuitive sense of direction?


I am 20 now and i still dont have a purpose in life. Half the time i dont know what to do with myself...............and there's such a long life to live. I feel like looking up at the skies and screaming, " Damn you Universe. Why the hell did you have to waste so much of time and energy in creating a poltroon like me? And now that u have created me, cant u bless me with a sane mind, capable enough of finding a purpose in life? " Believe me that was no rhetoric. Its really difficult to face something, which you dont want to face, yet you must face. Why cant i return to those halcyon dayz of my life, when i had something to do, a purpose, a target, a destination, that i wanted to reach? May be i am born out of my time. I dont know where i am, or where i am going. I'll never do anything, and i'll never amount to anything. I think i'll never make it as a successful human being. Its either this world or the next!!


LOST!!!!!!!


OK, think i had a nice surgical exposure of my soul and i have no intention of discussing my soul's welfare any further. But that's how i am. Am habituated in putting down my thoughts, even the crazy ones. Coz writing is my way of relaxing, of working off my mounting frustrations over my inefficiency. Its my way of compensating for not being what i wanted to be.


Well, i saw the movie 'Sangam' yesterday and it left me ten times more depressed than i was. It isnt "depression" exactly but it did strike a visceral note somewhere. Got nearly sento three times ( mind it!!, just "nearly" ), but i dont wanna make a polite, emotional mess out of it. It made me realize that, human relationships are fragile, and therefore, fissile. The movie's all about, Friendship, Love, Sacrifice, Love, Friendship, and Sacrifice ( in that order ). I really dont have a problem with, " friendship and sacrifice ", though i think that, the whole point of a sacrifice is that you give up something you never really wanted in the first place. I hope you understand what i mean? I find people doing it around me all the time.


And what can i say about "LOVE". I am a tyro in that context. Guess, along with organic chemistry, its the only word which tops the list of "weasel-words". I had read somewhere that,

" Love is like racing across the frozen tundra on a snowmobile which flips over, trapping you underneath. At night the ice-weasels come."

Believe me, i have no clue what the above sagacious thing means, its ten times more confusing than Kirchoff's Law. Or maybe "love" is no different than Kirchoff's law. The electrical circuit can be 'life', and Kirchoff's law can be 'love' itself. Now many have described love to be a breath-takingly beautiful emotion but in a relationship, one goes through different things and there are more chances of taking the other person for granted. And in the process, the initial innocence of love gets lost and you end up seeking other options. The same thing happens when applying Kirchoff's law as well. I end up giving so many directions to the current flow, that i lose track of the actual current and its magnitude. Usually i end up proving that the total current coming into a junction is not equal to the total current going out of the junction. Which is just the opposite of what the law states. Samjhe????? What samjhe, jab main khud nahin samjhi toh tum kya samjhoge!!!


Before i sign off, i leave you guys and gals also, with the lyrics of the antara of the song dost dost na raha, which is one of the highlights of the movie

Amanate main pyaar ki, gaya tha jis ko sonp ke,
woh mere dost tum hi the, tumhi toh the,
jo zindagi ki raah main, bane the mere humsafar,
woh mere dost tumhi the, tum hi toh the.
saare bhed khul gaye, raazdaar na raha
zindagi humein tera aetbaar na raha, aetbaar na rahaaaaaa


Guys try n listen to this song. You dont have to be in a similar situation to love it. Its a delicate conflation of sadness and romance. Its a must on every playlist. But its Bryan Adams who is currently playing on my playlist.


Now Playing:: 18 till i die....................