An Elegy in Prose

My system was strong enough to take in all the pain. I was grieving coz i had no clue how to grieve. Maybe the agony of that single emotion provided all the resistance for any other emotion to be felt. I had to cleanse my bosom of all the perilous stuff that was crushing me softly and just when i was trying to get back into shape, the Universe reminded me that life is indeed full of barren deserts and isolated places, and things of the past at any moment can creep into the present making the future as vague as ever. There are moments in one's life when you simply cease to feel anything. Not even the death of the person who seemed to be the proof and touchstone of all your cogitations, affects you much. But how could i ever grieve, he always had a hunger for eternity. And how long can i feign this numbness, when actually, all those emotions of guilt multiplied by feelings of hurt, and strange fears of losing all memories are ripping me apart.



Maybe the agony is just beginning and i am slowly coming to feel how great a part he was of me. I can hardly think of a thought which would lack his immediate reference, everything seems to remind me of his likeness, of those endless conversations about cutting edge science which ran late into the night. He talked without gestures ( probably ). It was neither verbose nor compelling, and he continued to impress me with his staggering range of knowledge, and i happily dwelled at the listening end. His blog posts never unhinged or weakened my mind inspite of his crazy rantings, but following a huge fall-out he deleted his blog and with it ended all those articulate, tender, 'understated yet full of surprises', thoughts. His whole life is acted; his struggles and pains, and hopes and visions are finally over. His ashes are now cold and what remains are the pleasant memories that he has left behind............a constant reminder of so many things undone and words unsaid..........


But does a person ceases to exist after death? 'Yes', seems to be the rational response. Then why does his great spirit haunt me often?? Now questions of this kind are apt to raise gloomy and dismal thoughts but human emotions are an incomprehensible bunch of formulas which lose their credibility as the equation of life keeps on changing. Maybe i need to ask for forgiveness of the Universe for forgetting him " so soon " and moving on with my life just so early.......................


Now Playing:: Door door tum rahe.......................Chalte Chalte

On The Play-List

Well exams are over and that explains this appearance on the blogosphere and as i am completely bereft of sensible stuff to write about, so here's a list of my fav songs......................... Songs that have given way to a complete dream metamorphosis. Songs that have made me cry. Songs that have made me forget bitter experiences. Songs that are inextricably bound with the mournful and blissful flashes of my life. Songs that have made my heart recover itself from the frequent seasons of mental distress, and have helped me rise and sound like music played to a happy tune. Songs that have helped me cling to life, although life has bestowed upon me no magnificient gifts. Songs that have been sources of inspiration. Songs that have made me realise that the second cogitations are always wiser than the first ones. Songs that made me rouse a little from my lethargy, and made me conscious of my existence. Songs that have defined and refined me with the power of their lyrics and helped to place myself on the eternal path of amelioration.Songs that have made the mind jealous coz the heart was getting too much of attention!!

• Aane wala pal jaane wala hai ( Kishore Kumar )
• Kahin door jab din dhal jaye ( Mukesh )
• Dost dost na raha ( Mukesh )
• Do naina aur ek kahaani ( Aarti )
• Kya yehi pyaar hai ( Kishore & Lata )
• Saagar kinaare dil yeh pukare ( Kishore & Lata )
• Sach mere yaar hai bas wohi pyaar hai ( S P Balu )
• Aapki aankhon mein kuch mehke huye se khwab hain ( Kishore & Lata )
• Rim jhim gire sawan ( Kishore )
• Honthon pe hansi aankon mein nasha ( Asha & Rafi )
• Aaye tum yaad mujhe ( Kishore )
• Roz roz aankhon tale ( Asha & Amit Kumar )
• Kahin na jaa aaj kahin mat jaa ( Kishore & Lata )
• Saathiya toone kya kiya ( Chitra & S P Balu )
• Kitni narmi se kitne dheere se ( Sonu Nigam )
• Tum hi dekho na yeh kya ho gaya ( Sonu & Alka )
• E kaash ke hum hosh mein ab aane na paye ( Kumar Sanu )

There are still others on the play list but these songs are worthy of the above description than the other ones.


Now Playing:: Sach mere yaar hai......................Saagar

Exams, Lizards & Tagore

My brain seems to be working at half the clock speed of what it should be and with every passing second the equation seems to be getting drastically imbalanced. At that rate everything's getting cluttered up and absolutely noisy, especially at a time when i want my brain to function at its calmest best..................just before the exams. Its soo messed up that even F = ma, looks like some incomprehensible devnagri script. And what's the saying, " make hay while the sun shines ". Of course i've learned it, yet learned nothing from it. Never mind! thats my usual self and i'm quite comfortable with my eternal state of " semi-preparedness "


......................and, 'people'...........they will continue to harbour wrong notions regarding my preparations............but its difficult to live up to the tag of a topper and with every semester the expectations are increasing by a factor of 2.............and when more is the 'work' to do, the more lazy i get. Last night i whiled away almost two hours watching the copulation of lizards .............i wonder where the hell was the moral police, when these creatures were busy polluting my 'young impressionable mind', with their highly sensuous public display of affection. kamaal ke prani hain yaar, bedroom ka kaam drawing room mein karte hain, atleast tube light ke peeche toh chup jaate, yaar main toh sharam se pani pani ho gayi. But the whole act leading to the consummation of their passions would have been highly inspirational for any B-grade hindi film script writer. Plz do not read further, this is going to be one of the cheapest post i've ever written................you certainly dont expect me to breathe philosophy at this hour of the day.



There were actually three on the wall at first, probably a 'menage a trois' situation and i tried to avoid their dark and brooding glances by dis-regarding their very existence.............sorry i dont like any other creatures as companions except humans. I missed the exit of one of them and now the camera zoomed on the two remaining ones. Finding the mata-lizard all alone and probably sexy, the nar-lizard started ambling towards her frantically wagging his tail and must have paid some compliments, at which the mata-liz acted all coy and moved away. But our hero was all set to coerce his love into physical intimacy and continued his sweet approach. This 'proposal-refusal' drama went on for sometime and finally the nar-liz realised that shayad yahaan daal nahin galne wali and like a gentleman decided to skedaddle. Some seconds later the mata-liz pondered over her action and moving towards her gentleman hero, must have said," arrey meri na main toh haan hai". And in both the mata n nar approaches, the wagging of the tail was a common factor..............i think its a mating signal of these creatures. Ab uske baad kya hua doesn't need a narrative...........you people are grown up enough to know!!


Before i sign off here's some of my fav lines from Tagore's short story The Postmaster, which i'm constantly being reminded of for some unknown reasons:

O poor unthinking human heart! Error will not go away, logic and reason are slow to penetrate. We cling with both arms to false hope, refusing to believe the weightiest proofs against it, embracing it with all our strength. In the end it escapes, ripping our veins and draining our heart's blood; until, regaining consciousness, we rush to fall into snares of delusion all over again.


Now Playing:: Pehla nasha.......................Amit Sana

Just Too Late

Its so queer, how often we remember, and act on things, " just too late ".................what's even more queer is the fact that we dont do a lot of things just because we didnt have a " mood " to do them. Why is it that we realise the importance of people only after they have bid us " good-bye " forever?? All my life i pursued my own fancies, and predilections................neglecting my own instincts, and aimed at things foreign to my nature.............never realising that, sometimes the rambling chat of a loved one is better than all the sense and sanity that the world could offer. And now when everything's acted and the curtains are down.................i am thinking of all the confabs or the good arguments that i could have started, but its " just too late " i guess.



The worst of it was that i couldnt realise when those distances ........... which at first seemed easy to cover....................stretched themselves into miles and miles...............finally becoming unreachable................and now everything seems so cold to touch, even my dreams have become a continuum of things..............which lie diffused and intermingled in that vast space which probably has no name. Change is constant; like the damp breeze of yesterday, which came and gave a momentary pleasure, has now changed paths and left me as dry as before. But human beings have an uncanny ability of forgetting things and people, " just too soon ".


.............................but the SELF, and at times our dreams, become a painful reminder of that extensive and touching association of feelings and thoughts............reminding us of what we were, are, and could have been..........had we made certain choices or taken some decisions, regarding people and things...........who were there yesterday, but are gone today............coz we were " just too late ", once again. Blessed are those who are endowed with an impeccable sense of timing.............but there are life forms like me, who remain preoccupied with things as they appear, running after their private fancies............never realising that contentment lies in the 'glow' of sublime moments that life offers, than in the 'glory' of our fancies.


Its actually difficult to discern, what it is that attracts or repels us in our dealings with people.......................but often, the silence of the parting moment produces a deafening noise and echoes faintly in our ears.............." dear, you are, just too late.........", and leaves us as emotional dwarfs for the rest of our lives...........


Now Playing:: Tu tu hai wohi..................Yeh vaada raha

Blogging Blues

I realise how difficult it is to run a blog without any long significant breaks and to task that poor drudge..............my muse, for present exigencies. Blogging's a kind of idee fixe, where the phalanges of the hand want to fluff on the keyboard for eternity, never caring to pity on the helplessness of the mind...............which runs about here and there, brokering between the conscious and unconscious, in an effort to narrow down the least coherent thoughts from that reservoir of incoherent imaginations................just a notion or a long forgotten thing that you could indite..............but alas! even after such an intense maraud of the mind there's nothing left to write about and the fingers eventually cease to be a good working partner of the mind, but as Anand says thoughts prefer to come at their own pace and leisure, and its better that way i guess!!


.........................what's even more frustrating is that, you are your own subject and your life is as rocking and happening as Gracy Singh's filmy career..........which hardly leaves you with anything to record............and most important.............why would anybody on earth be remotely interested in my wretched life..........but as i said its difficult to dump the muse in the realms of arrant stasis, so i keep on spewing my life in this space which seems to give new dimensions to the word 'crap'.


Well this is certainly not the stuff to post especially when the weather has put me in the best of the moods, possible, but since exams seem to be knocking at my dreams, doors and windows...........and every passing minute silently admonishing me to retire to my academics........which i guess the nocturnal atmos is well equipped in providing better solutions to all the numerical work, so its high time i attend to those things first than idling away time on the computer. Not feeling sleeepy, yet have to flop into bed coz a quixotic morning is round the corner once again. But dont start panicking, i wont come up with any related posts. Gud night readers!!


Now Playing:: Tu bin bataye......................Rang de Basanti

A Fool's Day Out

Before i say anything else, here's wishing a merry first of April to us all!! Many happy returns of this day to you.........and you..........and to me as well..........come on............. we all have a " speck of the motley"........... we all at some point of time in life have enjoyed making, 'fools', of others, have been the butt of jokes ourselves..........yet we celebrate this day with much of a serious humour to satiate that strange property immanent within all Homo sapiens...................a kind of sadistic pleasure which makes other's, careless moments of ungaurdedness............a thing of arrant amusement for us..................if its effects are not prejudicial of course......................and all this, for that spontaneous mirth..................or should i say, the 'sporadic' mirth.............by the way, how long it has been since you had a hearty laugh..............now, dont tell me that you laugh while watching those comedy shows and movies.............do we need stuff like that to tickle our funny bones............when was the last time that you really laughed your heart out...........holding your bulging visceral sac or the toned one............almost rolled on the floor laughing......... till you thought that you would probably explode laughing .....................its hard to remember right??? .................but it seems to be a life-time..............when sitting in the company of friends............... you talked at length..................dwelling on each detail of some incongruities, or idiosyncracies of one particular professor or friend of yours..........which provoked a kind of loud and savage laugh...............which made you wonder whether you are civilized at all!!...............as though by the sheer force of narration you could bring to life............the spirit of days gone by.............and live those moments all over again...................but alas! that happeneth rarely.............we seem to be romancing melancholy....................and the 1st of April is probably for melancholics like us...................to sneak a peek into the lighter side of life..............and learn that life has a fullness and richness..............in all sorts of varied ways...............which we never suspected at first.......... and as i am typing these things............i am aware that the second of April is not far behind...............so i am all geared up to fool a few others...................and if you are trying to find a meaning................beyond the muddled construction of this post.............then, i have successfully fooled quite a few i guess................and it seems as if i have breathed enough of my wisdom................i actually intended to write something else but somewhere in between.......................i lost the momentum and those thoughts refuse to oblige me once again................... more-over there's a dull ache thats developing in the phalanges of my right hand..............as the left is engaged in holding the chocolate bar...............so its better i wrap this thing..............before other incongruous thoughts decide to make their foray into this space............and the post gets increasingly lengthy...........so keep smiling.............. oops!!!............keep laughing...............


Now Playing:: Chup chupke..........................Bunty aur Babli