The Poison Within

All my life i thought i had ice water running in my veins and i took great pride in staying cool. I was never angry on folks around me....... especially friends. I was never too much into socialising, infact i had sheltered myself from people all my life. I had carefully selected my few friends..............affectionate and admiring who helped to bring out the rare qualities within me. And here i am today stuck in the abyss of a wounded feeling, and regretting for having lost my temper on two of my best friends.


Perhaps the most difficult emotions of all to manage is anger, which all too often erupts into open rage. If once the damn thing starts it tends to be self perpetuating, and sometimes self amplifying as well. What began as a mild irritation ended in a virtual emotional explosion. Well they say that venting out anger reduces it, but in my case it has just fanned the flames of annoyance.


It would sound too silly if i try to indite the reasons for this sudden outburst. Whatever the reasons are, the fact that i could have avoided this deleterious occurence by keeping my mouth shut, is weighing too heavily on my conscience. And as usual i am regretting over things " just too late". I can now go on and beg a thousand apologies, but the ties of friendship are as slight as gossamer, and one wrong move can destroy the web of tender emotions, so carefully spun over a period of years, intended to survive the ravages of time.


A friend of mine once said a very nice thing about me, which when put elegantly means that i do not have merit enough to create a foe. But it seems that i do not have merit enough to create "friends". I have no clue whether i still, have my friends or, i had lost them the moment i banged the telephone?? But do friends in general require such explanations??


I know they are just a phone call away.........but here i am mulling over the causes of my anger and posting my thoughts and feelings.........looking for a catharsis for my troubled soul. I know that i have to act quickly otherwise i would be having bad conscience attacks for the rest of my life.

Now Playing:: Wake me up when sept ends.............Green Day

Pyaar Ke Kuch Effects

So its that time of the year when LOVE seems to be the flavour of the month. Blame it on the hormones or that blind old son of Venus, that more and more people are falling in love. Of course love is the only thing thats never out of season, and its only becoz of love that the earth is still a better place to live and die.

Now speaking of love, i wonder why people tag it as ' confusing, complex, difficult', and etc etc. And not to mention the over cliched," an ocean of tears". Come on, Grow up!! all of you guys who say these things. How can we afford to traduce the only simplest thing on planet earth. Ok........now dont start calling me a hypocrite coz in one of my posts i too did label love as a weasel-word, and confusing.......but thoughts change.......and i guess, i have now pole-vaulted to a logical conclusion as to why people tag it that way.

To start with, i dont think there can ever be anything wrong with the way people feel about each other. Believe!! me guys but our feelings never go wrong. How can a feeling that has ripened in the heart, a feeling that's beautiful in all aspects, pure, and sacred go wrong?? I think what goes wrong, is our response to that feeling. In most cases we do not acknowledge our own feelings. Even if we acknowledge, we fail to act on them. And after a sane stroke of fate when we finally decide to act.......we realise that its too late.......and the audience has left, thinking the show to be over. We never allow LOVE a chance, to give us a fairytale, right in the middle of an ordinary life.


Most people call it confusing, i guess becoz of the timing at which Cupid decides to pierce hearts. Imagine yourself falling in love, just before your engineering or medical entrance exams. Feels like shit!!, especially when your concentration, awareness, and conciousness go on a vacation. You end up screwing up your exam and collapse into an abyss of a wounded feeling. Now love is not a thing that happens when one is prepared for it. You cant prevent what you cant predict. Since it happens in the most inappropriate of times, we usually end up blaming it, not realising that its only our own ineptitude thats responsible for the things around us.


Its really strange that we remember things "just too late". Why is it that we remember the good stories that we could have told only after we bid "good-bye", to the one we love. So before time slips from your hands just grab hold the hand of your loved one and never let that person go from your life. And if you have hurt somebody then waste no time, coz apologies once postponed becomes harder and harder to make, and finally impossible.

We get only one life to live and a short one to cap it. So just say those unsaid words and do those undone things..........coz there's more hunger for love than for bread in this world. HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY.

And readers this post doesnt imply that i am in love.
E kaa hui gava.....love ki dactarni ban gayi kya main, ya Karan Johar ki aatma ghus gayi hai mere andar..........chal nikal kalmuhe!!!

Now Playing:: Rimjhim gire sawan...............Manzil

Stella

" Hello............yeah, its me....................thank God you are awake."

" Ya...........everything's fine............its just that...........forget it!! Howz life at your end?"

" O, really!! That sounds great."

" hmmm............can i ask you something?"

" No.......no, nothing to worry about. Its just that i desperately wanted to talk to someone..................."

" I know this sounds crazy.........but..........there's something about the way that i am feeling right now, and i can't help it!!"

" No, i am not sick..........i am perfectly fine, i think??...........or may be i am not just myself anymore.........."

" You know that i can never be fliudly intelligent."

" Helloo.........are you still there?"

" I know it has been a long time, since we had a conversation like this.................and all i want to say..........is that...........my emotions towards you haven't changend.........."

" No..........i am not asking you to return to me................i would be selfish if i do that............i know i dont deserve you..............but..........."

" I know our relationship was not simple........but there was nothing like it, either........"

" Its really difficult to dam this surging tide of emotions............and,"

" And the more i see you with her............the more i want to be with you.............the more i see you kissing, and talking to her...........the more i fall in love with you.........."

" Why is love the most difficult of all emotions to express?"

" Just look at me............i've become a total mess!!"

" I know, i have sinned...........a sin that is not venial........but, if its a sin to fall in love with a person already married...........then i am glad........that i have sinned.........."

" I am not asking you to act on my feelings........i am......i am.......just asking you to acknowledge them.............is it too much of an asking??"


" I know i can never say these words to you............i know there's nobody on the other end............i dont have the courage to dial your number.......and...........cowards like me do not desreve to be loved......."

" I can now sleep peacefully.........and in sleep..........i would weave a world of dreams.........atleast the dreams are mine..........even if they are not real........."


Now Playing:: Is mod se jati hai........Aandhi

Itchy Feet Syndrome

The past week with its shimmering, dream-like beauty is finally over with my sojourn in God's own country coming to an end last saturday. The celerity of time does amaze me, but the week has left its share of many motley memories, which i guess,would take aeons to evanesce. I never exactly liked my feet getting itchy but this time there was no escape. In the past when my feet went itchy, a lot of aches almost wrestled to set up huge 'big bazaar' type malls in my body.Note, itchy feet can lead to head-aches, neck-aches, stomach-aches n butt-aches as well. So allow your feet to get itchy at your own risk!!!!


Now the past week, certainly was devoid of all kinds of glitter, but it had a charm, a beauty, a slow-paced glamour to it, which makes me feel that the present is nothing but a mirage in the desert of life. I was away from my "wretched existence", the uninspiring lectures, the papers, the exams and other intramural stuff. I think thats what travelling is all about, there's a melancholy, a nostalgia for what's left behind, and an excitement of venturing into virgin lands. I was glad to leave behind my acquainted civilization and be closer to the earth, nature n above all "myself".


But somehow i felt unsettled all through the raucous train journey; Simultaneously excited and unexpectedly apprehensive. Its a queer setting; a train journey. Its not that i have never travelled in a train earlier, but i certainly never viewed it in the manner that i am doing right now. I always had bro n sis for company and the journey would be an unfailing combo of mirth and melody, but this time i was travelling with my aunt n granny. Moreover i had to spend two dayz on the upper berth, and its always lonely at the top. You might call me eccentric, but it really amuses me how easily we share sleeping space with total strangers on a train. And what to talk about the inevitable," loos-with-views". Just wondering!! how many of the human species might have used them????


Since i had nothing else to do, i immersed myself in Anita Nair's," Satyr of the Subway and Urban Tales". The language is classy with occasional risque material popping in between, but couldnt quite comprehend the stories," The Karmic Cat" and " Behe-moth", for instance. Let me know if you could. Infact i was so awe-struck by her narrative that, when granny handed me an orange, i took a bite of it along with its skin thinking it to be an apple, and spilling the juice all over me. No wonder it left a bad taste in my mouth. Well this was the first time that i was reading a Niar work. Never knew she too writes about sex and foreplay. I wonder why people prefer exactitude on such topics.


Its a strange dharti; Kerela. Bathing in the pulchritude of nature, its landscape can be very soothing to a harried soul. Everything looks verdure, and if you are an outsider n happen to stay there for too long a time, you would simply crave for some other colour..........just for a change. And i wonder what has Kerela's dharti ingested that you find only and only coconut trees. Guess!! they would surpass the total human population of Kerela!!!!! Yet with the passing of time i fell under the spell of Kerela's exotic natural beauty. No offence meant but i found the men folk of this part of the world to be real creeps. There's a strange kind of lust that dwells in their eyes..........too difficult to comprehend. People dropping in "hi's". Trying to get a feel everytime you walk in the market...........beyond my levels of tolerance. Almost felt like an outlaw commanding attention wherever i went.


Anyway readers there's a nice beach event that's worth narration, but this post is getting increasingly long so its better i nip it in the bud. But do watch this space for that story.

Now Playing: Do i have to say the words.................Bryan