When the head runs upon you in a fit of madness....

But, what’s the point in taking all those drugs and numbing the senses and putting my manic brain to sleep, I wonder? It hardly serves the purpose because it makes my waking life more unbearable…. leaving me perfectly confused and out of myself. Yet, dad insists on something which he calls the “the larger good”. But, how do I make him understand that these drugs make me feel suicidal…. But, I should hold my thoughts there lest they put me in a cage….. the possibilities of which have already been hinted by the shrink. Honestly, dear reader I don’t know what I’m saying, I feel like I’m on a high, and the reason for this documentation is that I’ve been asked to observe and put down my thoughts, in short I’ve been asked to help myself to restore normalcy.

This makes me feel genuinely sorry for my parents…. certainly they don’t deserve the kind of humiliation that I put them into, besides it must be so difficult to live with a constant knowledge of the fact that they have a daughter whose brain borders on insanity. Perhaps, its nature’s strange way of keeping everything in balance; I guess it was only natural for me to be imbalanced when my brother is perfectly balanced. I wish I could be like my brother and make mom & dad feel proud of me, but it is equally vain to sit still and wish for what I cannot achieve.

I hardly have a clue how I came to develop this condition. It probably began with my inability to deal with stress. At first you get depressed as stress increases and then eventually your mind gives up and goes manic. Its more of a mechanism of the body to take an automatic break from hectic life. I could’ve avoided it, if only the warning signs were much clearer. It’s like a state in which I sink into even at the slightest contemplation of stress and its only in my climb back to normalcy that I actually perceive the extent of my distortion…

I never had an intention of posting the above thing to the blog, especially when it’s three months old. But it’s probably on account of the rains or a recent recurrence of the madness to the head that has made me return to it. It has been some days now, and I can feel that “funny feeling” (which shrinks call ‘mania’ and laymen ‘madness’) running all over me. This time however, I could sense it before hand. It always begins with a mild irritation apropos of nothing, and then you can feel the energy levels slowly rising above normal, till you become hyper energetic; a state in which you continue to dwell for some days or hours, irrespective of all the drugs you take to bring the levels down to normalcy. A maniac is like a totally sloshed person with ten times more energy. And interestingly during the mania time you hardly feel any “needs”, be it hunger, thirst, and sex… nothing at all!

Hyper energy can get dangerous on most occasions… you feel like riding a bike in full speed and hitting a wall, and that’s precisely what made me resort to public transport when I perceived that I was indeed riding a tad too fast. My legs still ache with all those long walks but its better than being dead I think! One cannot talk sense in mania and it’s always better to spend those unwholesome hours either with yourself or people who would tolerate your rambling chats, but the hyper energy levels would drag you to places where there are more and more people, and you end up staging a play of your own insanity. However, the best thing about going manic is that it makes you stoic for a brief period of time… you simply lose the ability to feel pain or pleasure, and even better is that when you happen to recollect your mania time during normal days, you feel that things and events come to you in fragments… it becomes almost impossible to say what followed what… trust me, you’ll be thankful not to remember a lot of things that you’ve done or said!

I haven’t slept well for some days now and I hope to sleep like a child tonight, for I can sense sanity returning. Well, those are enough details to make you shrink with fear and think twice before you come sauntering again to this space and therefore I better clap the extinguisher here. I hope to see you again when the mind is relatively free of such maladies.

Now Playing:: Pehli nazar mein……………….The Burning Train