Symbiosis

It’s a nude, lonely walk from the bathroom
To the mirror in the bedroom; now halting and now
Shivering under the thousand shrinking and sliding,
Yet, clinging and hanging droplets of a watered bliss.


Each drop celebrating its wicked sojourn meanders
Through every indentation, fold, and dimples of my
Anatomy, refusing to change its mood, devouring every
Dreg of my female scent in a pale motion of sense and
Lust, before ending in a failed autonomy, merging with the
Nebulous patches of my wet naked footprints!


This wet form in the mirror has no talent of its own
Although love and lust seem to come pretty easily to it.
Pondering over this form in a deep silence, and peeling
Off a good number of skins later, I finally reach the Soul.
Oh! What a detestable, ghastly image! The Soul has become
Sense too! Oh darling, is Lucifer my guarding angel now?


In haste I stitch the skins up and recompact the Soul.
My evil, sensuous Soul doesn’t deserve this outer form,
Maybe a cut here, a slash there or a burn someplace else
Will complete this auld symbiosis of the Body and the Soul!

Now Playing:: Hum tumse mile..........................Rocky

Winter's Eunuch!

Hate me not darling, for the winter has
Made a eunuch of my body; sterile and unfulfilling,
Inflamed with a platonic love than lust!
Hate me not darling, for I’m not smooth anymore.
The skin’s cracking and so am I…. leave me alone darling,
Don’t come in between my legs, don’t make me
Fight this frigidity; don’t make love to me as a rational
Passion…. I hate it!

Let the winter pass in silence darling, let the silence
Creep into my bones… let my body crave for yours,
Make me wait darling, make me wait and wait… then
I’ll be at your mercy; turn me in or turn me out, I shall
Comply. But now leave me alone darling, let me hide myself
Like a reptile in hibernation… let this barren loneliness
Manifest itself into an obsession with sex… oh, let me wait
Darling, for there is more pleasure, even in this world!

Now Playing:: kaheko rootha……………………….Asha

When the head runs upon you in a fit of madness....

But, what’s the point in taking all those drugs and numbing the senses and putting my manic brain to sleep, I wonder? It hardly serves the purpose because it makes my waking life more unbearable…. leaving me perfectly confused and out of myself. Yet, dad insists on something which he calls the “the larger good”. But, how do I make him understand that these drugs make me feel suicidal…. But, I should hold my thoughts there lest they put me in a cage….. the possibilities of which have already been hinted by the shrink. Honestly, dear reader I don’t know what I’m saying, I feel like I’m on a high, and the reason for this documentation is that I’ve been asked to observe and put down my thoughts, in short I’ve been asked to help myself to restore normalcy.

This makes me feel genuinely sorry for my parents…. certainly they don’t deserve the kind of humiliation that I put them into, besides it must be so difficult to live with a constant knowledge of the fact that they have a daughter whose brain borders on insanity. Perhaps, its nature’s strange way of keeping everything in balance; I guess it was only natural for me to be imbalanced when my brother is perfectly balanced. I wish I could be like my brother and make mom & dad feel proud of me, but it is equally vain to sit still and wish for what I cannot achieve.

I hardly have a clue how I came to develop this condition. It probably began with my inability to deal with stress. At first you get depressed as stress increases and then eventually your mind gives up and goes manic. Its more of a mechanism of the body to take an automatic break from hectic life. I could’ve avoided it, if only the warning signs were much clearer. It’s like a state in which I sink into even at the slightest contemplation of stress and its only in my climb back to normalcy that I actually perceive the extent of my distortion…

I never had an intention of posting the above thing to the blog, especially when it’s three months old. But it’s probably on account of the rains or a recent recurrence of the madness to the head that has made me return to it. It has been some days now, and I can feel that “funny feeling” (which shrinks call ‘mania’ and laymen ‘madness’) running all over me. This time however, I could sense it before hand. It always begins with a mild irritation apropos of nothing, and then you can feel the energy levels slowly rising above normal, till you become hyper energetic; a state in which you continue to dwell for some days or hours, irrespective of all the drugs you take to bring the levels down to normalcy. A maniac is like a totally sloshed person with ten times more energy. And interestingly during the mania time you hardly feel any “needs”, be it hunger, thirst, and sex… nothing at all!

Hyper energy can get dangerous on most occasions… you feel like riding a bike in full speed and hitting a wall, and that’s precisely what made me resort to public transport when I perceived that I was indeed riding a tad too fast. My legs still ache with all those long walks but its better than being dead I think! One cannot talk sense in mania and it’s always better to spend those unwholesome hours either with yourself or people who would tolerate your rambling chats, but the hyper energy levels would drag you to places where there are more and more people, and you end up staging a play of your own insanity. However, the best thing about going manic is that it makes you stoic for a brief period of time… you simply lose the ability to feel pain or pleasure, and even better is that when you happen to recollect your mania time during normal days, you feel that things and events come to you in fragments… it becomes almost impossible to say what followed what… trust me, you’ll be thankful not to remember a lot of things that you’ve done or said!

I haven’t slept well for some days now and I hope to sleep like a child tonight, for I can sense sanity returning. Well, those are enough details to make you shrink with fear and think twice before you come sauntering again to this space and therefore I better clap the extinguisher here. I hope to see you again when the mind is relatively free of such maladies.

Now Playing:: Pehli nazar mein……………….The Burning Train

Waiting...

The waiting is neither pleasant nor unpleasant. It’s like a moment that gets extended and extended and, extended. I have been waiting for a while now… waiting for the séance… waiting for the delayed outburst… waiting to hear him speak… waiting for a good night’s sleep that would eventually answer all my questions. But things do not come to us when we want them the most, although the law of attraction says that they do. He did turn up though, albeit much later and as usual he seemed to be in a hurry, but I could still perceive his darting eyes and an auld and obvious inclination to smile about the mouth, and a vibe full of strong purpose and feeling. Of all the things that were exchanged between us, my waking mind recollects only this one thing that he said:

“The more airs of childish self-importance you give yourself, you will only expose yourself to be the more ridiculed and laughed at!”

Now Playing:: Poocho na yaar kya hua...................Asha & Rafi

Dad, Can I Smoke?

Dear reader, maybe I’m troubled and need help, but tell me is it that horrible to want to smoke? In fact it has been some days now and I’ve been only wanting to smoke, smoke and smoke…..to the extent that I can almost fancy the taste of tobacco in my mouth, and the smell of smoke on my fingers. Well, these are confessions of a strange order but I can’t help it. I’ve wanted just this one thing to make me happy, but wanting that, have wanted everything else as well! I hardly have a notion of what I might turn into if the rules of discipline were to be suddenly lifted from my daily walk through life.


And perhaps, this wasn’t a mere recording of a dream after all…..and sadly all my dreams tend to produce a world of dirty monochrome in which nothing can possibly happen, except to make the head nod and the eyes heavy with sleep. But even sleeping seems to be a rare occasion these days. I’m sleeping for less than three hours a day now, and the less I sleep, the more I want to indulge in smoking…..and even as I write this, I can smell smoke, boy, its driving me crazy…


Now, there are occasions in our life when we must make something happen, like flinging a splash of color into life, but I’ve simply lost the urge to do that….I would rather flounder into heavy chairs and put the body, mind, and the soul in hibernation, till I gather my scattered wits.


Meanwhile, can I smoke dad?

Now Playing:: Yaad piya ki aaye……………….Shobha Gurtu