The Year That Was

So here i am sitting in the twilight of the vanishing year and realizing how quickly sand is passing through the hour glass. Year endings have always been a sticky wicket for me coz its that time of the year when i am lost in a corner of the house, with a book in my lap- pleasing only my visual senses, but my mind would be crazy busy in retrospection and introspection. But this year has certainly been different, infact it has been really good to me, causing minimum of upsets and showering a cornucopia of feel-good things. I really hope this tryst with good fortune continues for a long run.


Ofcourse no one can go forward with a load of aching memories, n the same is applicable to me as well but thank the Universe, 07 has been a year of attrition sans contrition. I realized that the Universe is under no obligation to give us what we propose. We take what we get and are thankful its no worse than it is. For the first time in my life i am not regretting things that i have done. I had taken certain decisions, and even though some of them turned out to be arrant nightmares, but i have stood by them. I felt it was high time that i start respecting my own decisions. I wont put myself on trial now. I have been on trial every day and night for nearly three years.


I have been able to sort out a few significant differences between my life at present and that in the year before. Altering certain things transcended me from the ennui of existence to the terra incognita of a state called, "living". I realized failure is something that brings you extremely close to reality; personally connects you with some of the simple facts of life. Facts that i had been ignoring all my life. I used to tag myself as an under-achiever and a Loser. But then it dawned on me that these things are doing more harm than good to me, they are like psychological scars; invisible to the naked eye but capable enough to become an integral part of one's personality itself n making you hollow from within.


All my life i had been competing, running after things, trying to prove things to people. I got entangled in this web of EXPECTATIONS; got depressed, when i couldnt meet expectations, expectations of my family n teachers, and my own expectations of myself. Life was reduced to an andante passage of time. There were moments when i used to wait for mom n dad to leave for office n i would keep on crying for hours; such was my obsession to become a doctor. My eyes still get misty when i think of those dayz. They say every incident in our life teaches us something. I have no clue what i learnt, except the fact that there's a cold bastard called destiny which controls our life and we only get what we deserve. The sooner we realize this the better it is. But i am happy that i gave my cent percent.


Mechanisms beyond our control and understanding, determine our fate. But we are free to make choices and those choices yield consequences, if not the consequences we had anticipated. The simple theory that the world would continue to function as it has for aeons, made me kick life on its fundament and get rid off that damn depression. Believe me life has never been so beautiful ever before. And 2007, i can say has been a year of intellectual ignition, infact an alltogether new person walked in my body. The more i interacted with friends n people, the more i kept returning to my original self; a self that i had lost some where in the perilous psychological odyssey.


I had read some where that there's nothing to take seriously in this world or personally. Nothing that needs doing. All we have to do is to wake up and enjoy the experience, wake up and enjoy ourselves. Maybe that is the only reality in this world, which we need to realize. Inter alia, 2007 has been good coz i started 'FRISSON', which is soon becoming my idee fixe. And Karan ( the guy who left a comment on my previous post ) i'll be posting the second part ASAP.

So thats it readers, wishing all of you a great New Year. Enjoy every day coz every day is beautiful and we get so few of them.


Now Playing: Please forgive me............................Bryan Adams

Quixotic Morning Part 1

Ya i woke up early today. Infact i spent a sleepless night tossing n turning, watching both the seasons of How I Met Your Mother n reading a couple of pages from Tagore's Chokher Bali. It so happened that when mom woke up at 5 in the morning ( i think mom should resign from her govt service n take up a job in hmt ghadiyan, i wonder how she gets up at dot 5 everyday without any alarm clocks buzzing............it would take a dozen of such clocks to wake me up n i would still be playing possum n yawning ) n saw me having tea she almost fainted n ran to the telephone to call dad to tell him to look out for a good mental asylum. Ok the above thing was too hokey to happen but mom did look at me as if i were a lunatic.


I shrugged out every bit of torpidity from my system this morning n thats becoz i had to take my Activa for servicing. I had been eschewing from this for quite some months now. Result.......serious starting trouble n brakes as loose as those fictitious screws in my brain. Infact i have been driving so slow that every cycle-rider seemed to ask me, race lagati hai kya?? And i would manage a, nahin bhaiya aaj kal race karne ka zamana kahaan raha aur aapke cycle ke saamne meri activa kahan tik payegi. So just decided to rescue the poor thing from the drudgery of a kachua to that of a pig ( pigs run faster than kachuas right? )


I left for the service station at 6:45. Now the service centre opens at 7:30 n if u are there by 7, u can hope that yours would be the first to get serviced. The morning sun seemed to be lazy as well n was too reluctant to come out. The cold wind made me shiver n my hands and feet went numb, i thought the blood circulation was cut off. I actually stopped mid-way to rub my palms to give that heating sensation. They had become all pink in colour n i remembered how warm it was back in home n the images of me sleeping peacefully in the warmth of the blanket started playing infront of my eyes.


It was 7:05 by the time i reached the service centre. The gates were wide open as if they were singing aaja aaja aaajaaa main hoon pyaar tera........I was so happy that i was the first to arrive, but my happiness stayed as long as a batsman in real bad form stays on the wicket when McGrath in his prime form is charging in. A golden coloured, without any dents Activa was teasing my black, full of scratches Activa n i ended up cursing the owner of this prim n proper Activa, who was wise enough to come before me. But there was nobody. Parking my blacky near the goldy i walked towards the gate. My imagination ran a bit wild n i wondered what would the activas be talking:: Keep scrolling to find out.


Goldy: Arrey behan tumhare jism pe yeh nishaan kaise?? ( referring to the scratches )

Blacky: ( almost on the verge of tears ) Ab tumse kya chupana behan. Jab se woh karamjali ( pointing towards me ) mujhe chala rahi hai, tabse yehi haal hai. Zindagi se rang, tarang aur umang ( my blacky is quite poetic, just like me ) jaise khatam ho gaya hai.
Background score............ Duniya mein hum aaye hain toh jeena hi padega.

Goldy: ( comforting ) Hamari zindagi hi aisi hai..........par mera aadmi mera achha khayal rakhta hai.

Blacky: Kaafi khushnaseeb ho behan. Soch rahi hun is kameeni par child molestation ka case kar dun. Abhi teen hi saal hue hain mere. Kabhi Bipasha Basu hua karti thi lekin aaj kal log mujhe Reema Lagoo bulane lage hain. Hayeeeee meri phooti kismat........


BY this time two guys, i mean total hunks walked in through those gates. Ok reader, thats for today, come again tomorrow, kyunki picture abhi baaki hai mere dost........


Now Playing: Here i am...................Bryan Adams

Before Midnight Musings

Well its half past ten and the house cloaked in a spooky silence, except for Rahman singing, mera yaar milade........on the real player, is pressing about on my loneliness. I have moved the chair close to the window n i can feel the cold wind grazing against my skin. I know i am shivering, but i dont feel like shutting the window. The night air is redolent with the scent of some flower whose name i do not know in particular, but its smelling sweet. I can hear the scary sough n my auditory senses are picking up certain sounds that i have never heard before. I am typing amidst this strange cacophony of the night world.


I hope its not some poltergeist playing these not so musical tricks on me. I have already started imagining one, dangling from the branches of the huge mango trees in our garden. I know i am sounding like some poltroon, n i know i can get rid off this scary feeling by closing the damn window, but i just dont want to. There's a pleasant frisson in the ambience which is stopping me from doing so. Although the window is open but not once have i stolen a glimpse of the outside night world. Ok fine i admit, i am scared of darkness. But its quite ironical that my brain is more active n my imagination more fertile in the night. So just wondering what kind of stuff i am made of??


Well exams are over n that explains this appearance on the blogosphere. For the past ten days i've been surviving on forty winks so its time for compensation n thats what i have been doing now. I am sometimes blessed with an exhausted, dreamless sleep. I had actually made a mental list of so many things that i had to do post exams but now i find that list is fast evanescing. I find it extremely hard to shrug off laziness, i wonder how the sea cows make their lazy asses move.


My room looks like a fabulous world awaiting serious order n arrangement. There's clutter everywhere n today i kept on searching for guess what, bro's laptop. Yes u read it right, i was '' searching'' for it. Now any mentally balanced person would keep the laptop either in its bag or on some table where its accessible, but not me. Guess where i found it. The poor thing was lying scared beneath a heap of dresses wondering about this strange cohabitation. But like an angel i saved this damsel in distress. By the way is it, 'in distress'or 'from distress'?? I always screw up prepositions. But i need to take care of the laptop as it is soon going to be paraya dhan. Bro's ''home-coming'' is due next month n so is the valediction. If bro reads this post he would surely fake a heart attack n would be on the next flight to home. Flight.........haila kaun kehta hai Hindustan garib hai!!!!


Yes i have finally shut the window coz i had a feeling that i was being watched. I felt somebody was taking a stroll in our garden. I know its just my over-fertile imagination playing these puerile games with me. But i dont think any ghost would be as scary as watching a movie starring only Dino Morea. And now that i have typed whatever poppycock was there in my head..........abhi iska title kya rakhoon. Chal upar scroll kar aur phirse ek baar title padhle.


Now Playing: Thandi hawa kaali ghata......................Mr n Mrs 55
Yes!! i am actually listening to it.

Twenty Tapers........

The clock struck 12 and i broke up. Yes i broke up right now. I knew i had to go through this sometime or the other, but not today of all dayz. Its my birthday after all. It could have happened tomorrow or yesterday, but why today? I cant believe it has actually happened and i am going through what many have described but few can explain. I desperately wanna cry but even the tears seem to betray me. They seem to flood my heart but why arent they flowing? Why is an unreal feeling creeping all over me? O God where did i go wrong? No, i cant let this happen..........


But what is fated cannot be blotted. I wish i was never born. But retreating to the womb wont help me now. Ironically i didnt feel anything when we broke up. For a moment i was frozen with disbelief. Not shocked. Not outraged. Just numb!! Still cant believe that everything has come to an end--just like that--in an instant. I wonder how i'll be facing my loved ones in the morning. I cannot masquerade in a cloak of '' hey i am fine '' attitude. I'll have to feign happiness eventhough my entire universe is ossified into a strange sadness, fearful that someone might find the pain clearly written on my face. But i have to accept this fact and this break up, maybe will do a world of good to me. And i am not the only one going through a break up, everybody else has as well. Everybody?????????


Yes, everybody. Any 19 yr old on his or her 20th birthday would feel the same thing. Yes, ghonchu all this while i was talking about break up with my teen-age. ha haaaaaa haaaaaaaaa. Kyun zor ka jhatka zor se laga??? Yes, i was joking, perhaps i should wear a red nose and a funny hat. Oyye reader, kya, laga such much mera break-up ho gaya? But for a car to start you have to put the key in the ignition!!! samjhe?


So just cremated my teenage but being twenty sounds good enough. Ok i'll stop talking about death in any sense, its after all birth-day. Now in the whole year this is the only day when my cellphone gets shakily triumphant. It just wont stop ringing. I hv already recieved 4 calls n here comes another. Let me take it. So that makes it 5. And 7 messages. Bhai saadi popularity ke kya kehne!!!!! I hope i get good gifts as well.


Birthdays can be great fun if we get loads of gifts. This year i am sure of getting good ones coz my circle of friends has changed dimensions from that of a triangle to an actual circle which just keeps getting bigger n bigger. so the more no.of friends the more no.of gifts, moreover have you ever heard of the theory of ''investing in the favor bank''. I simply practice it. Birthday's without bro n sis ( cousin ) can be arrantly boring. But being the youngest has a lot of advantages n especially now when both of them have started working n earning humungous salaries. Both of them are quite bade dilwallas. Bro has so kind heartedly given his laptop ( hp da product ), n sis has given her PC.


Now i can proudly say,'' aaj mere paas laptop hai, PC hai, Activa hai, aur nokia mobile hai. Life mein aur ki mangta hai.'' See how materialistic i am, n that's becoz i am too afraid to strip down to my soul. But most important i hv ghar ka khana, which my bro n sis crave for. ha ha


I have seen that people usually start questioning themselves whenever an extra year gets added in their life span. U know the talk about achievements n stuff. But somehow these things really invite my disgust. I know i am not ambitious n i dont fit into the current version of the world which seems to be so driven by ambition. Maybe i am afraid of failure, but i am simply tired of competing. I never actually wanted to become anything, though there were times when i thought i could crack the medical entrances. I wasted two years of my life running after things which i could never achieve. Everytime i got a rank but not good enough to get into a govt aided institution. I wasnt failing but neither was i succeeding n there was this ceaseless upward spiral of increasing expectations that threw me into further heights of failure n depression. I wish i could delete 2005 from my life, but unfortunately i cant. But when i gave up competing, life seemed much better. I dont think i gave up competing exactly. What i actually adopted was the renunciation of fruits of action. Suddenly i am scoring well enough, topping semesters, n i am studying the subject i always wanted to study. So that's my life in a nut-shell. Thank you Universe for giving me a wonderful family.


A little info....... I share my Birthday with our kutte, kameene, main tera khoon pee jaaunga, garam dharam paaji n the ooi mam beauty Sharmila ( wow what a combo!! ). Hey here comes the special message that i had been waiting for, so its time to sign off. Yes Happy Birthday to me n wish me luck for the future.


Now Playing:Tumse Achaa kaun Hai....................
I really feel like dancing, but its high time that i flop into bed. Bye


ADDED LATER:: This post was meant to be published last night but thanx to a shaky net connection which was taking hell of a time to load blogger n was testing my patience which eventually i flunked.

ITS NONSENSE BUT NOT NUISANCE

Well its half past two and i am not feeling sleepy yet. Now this is queer coz i am brain-weary from studying ( remember xam's knockin everywhere ) and i should flop into bed, but here i am, listening to Bryan Adams and lost in a congeries of thoughts. I have no clue, what i intend to write. O wait, i think i got the cue. Just heard Bryan singing about his best days, so its time to plunge into the semidarkness of my memory and bring ashore the BEST DAYZ of my life.


Half an hour later: The clock reads 3'o'clock. So i decide to write about the best days of my 19 yr old life ( i would be 20 this December ). For a timeless time ( what i did in that half an hour ) i sat staring at the ceiling, remembering things. Amidst the rotations and the gyrating noise of the ceiling fan, i tried to remember and relive those wonderful dayz which constituted the bulk of 2002, 2003 n 2004. Those three years ( gosh! i sound like a sexagenarian )were the most ROCKING years of my life. Those were the times when i enjoyed living every moment n i had just begun discovering new things about myself.


I was just out of school n out of the boring uniform. Suddenly life had become too real for me when i entered the gates of the junior college. I was afraid of a nameless things n it would look too silly if i try to indite them. I thought i would be out of place in this new life. For the first time in my life i had to adopt the process of making friends. It was so easy back in school where one doesnt have to ''make'' friends, every thing's a part of growing up. I had to make my way among a world of people with whom i had nothing in common.


Thank the Universe, i found Barsha. This confused package went on to become one of my very close friends. We were in the same section n in the same practical group, so that explains for the strong bonding. Moreover we used to travel to college together, sometimes on my Kinetic (mostly) n times on her Hero Puch. Slowly our circle of friends increased n life was no more a hopeless affair for me. I was loving my life. Well those years were rocking coz i had a cornucopia of crushes n some of the best moments of my life are locked in those years.


Now Crushes are like self inductance, where the e.m.f is produced in a coil due to a change of flux in the coil itself. The e.m.f being the ineluctable infatuation that one feels for the other person n the change of flux is equivalent to the surging tide of hormones where the heart becomes the coil. And the magnitude of this induced e.m.f is directly proportional to the amount of time spent in the company of the crush or just watching your crush pass in adoration. Back then, i realised that every crush goes through two phases. Most crushes ( like mine ) die out in the first stage itself, but some continue to live through both the stages.

STAGE 1-------- The first stage is quite simple and uncomplex where the thinking part of your anatomy stops functioning. And in the absence of any kind of moral resistance you find yourself in entirely new states of ecstasy and happiness whenever you see, think or ( if u are lucky ) just talk to that person who for the time being means a world to you. You cant help but wonder, what it is in that person which eludes your imagination. A mere presence of the person devours your consciousness and incarcerates your entire being. Your mind would be running out of space for anything else, except a driving desire to be alone with that person. You keep waiting but those moments never come your way, and you keep surviving on hopes. But these STAGE 1 days are cloaked in a dream like beauty and are abound with crowded hours of happiness. Its like a dream where minutes fly as swiftly as heart-beats. The only song which people like to sing in these STAGE 1 days would probably be Aap jaisa koi meri zindagi mein aaye toh baat ban jaaye........

Bhaktjano chalo aansu ponchlo, kyunki stage 1 ke baare mein mera gyaan sirf yahin tak seemit hai, stage 2 ke baare mein jaan ne ke liye kripya neeche scroll kijiye.


Scroll karne ke liye dhanyavaad.


STAGE 2...................The second stage of a crush is again divided into two sub-stages.

( Oyye!! reader 'not again' mat bol, aadat se majboor hoon, sab kuch badha chadhake bolti hoon. Oyye baashaon kabhi socha hai, Deepika Padukone aur saadi blog mein kaun si cheez common hai?? socho..........socho. Oyye khud ko kya Einstein samjhta hai, mein naam ki baat nahin kar rahi. Oyye uski hai lambi lambi tange aur saadi hai lambi lambi pheku posts. ha ha..... )


Well enough of my rotten sense of humour, its time to talk to turkey. But actually bade zoron ki neend aa rahi hai, aur likhne baithi toh kisi C grade hindi mavie script lagegi, u know the Pyaasi Jawaani n Garam Jawaani types. The most wierdest title i'hv ever heard was Pati Fauj Mein Aur Patni Mauj Mein. I think these kind of movies belong to the unsophisticated n grotty hindi porn industry.


Chalo stage 2 ke baare mein lecture udhaar raha aur mujhe bisttar bula raha hai, toh main chali. N i think my hindi lexis is as bad as Himesh Reshammiya's songs, otherwise i certainly wouldnt have used the word bisttar........yuck! it sounds just so cheap. Ok i wont breathe any more of my fudge into your minds, ab aap log '' finally '' bol sakte ho.


I'll post this tomorrow, got no patience to do it right now. Its almost morning. So wishing all u a good morning and good night to me. Bye.


Now Playing: So young....................The Corrs

MIND'S PUKE

I think life is abound with moments n phases where we simply run out of sensible stuff to poke our heads into. I dont know whether others go through similar phases but off late my uncomplex mind seems to be enormously perturbed apropos of nothing. Since the past nineteen years i have been tryin to figure out, what the F is my problem. Why am i the way i am????? And i guess i would be doing that till i breathe my last.

Pleading my brain to stop being eccentric, has become an imperative concomitant of my daily rituals. I sometimes wonder as to how my brain exactly functions; it always seems to be at a loss when it comes to prioritising things. And all this bosh prefer to happen just when i require my mind to function at its calmest best; before the exams. But, no, it wont. The universe certainly finds its way to get back at me just when i am in a mood to enjoy things. And the more, the universe pulls up such stunts against me, the more i start respecting it. I dnt think the universe would ever cease to amaze me. It would continue its mission of seeing me rot in the vortex of my own inner conflicts.

Whoever proposed that we Homo sapiens are the most intelligent creatures, to have walked on this planet, is the biggest IDIOT of his or her era. Just take a look at the way the universe makes us succumb to our inner conflicts, atleast it has made me. Its becoz we can deal with any kind of problem whose dimensions are confined to the external, but if the problem decides to break barriers and succeeds in making inroads into the calm confines of the brain, that is when u realise that your life is no different than that of hell. And to make matters worse, i dnt even know what exactly am i upset about? These days i am finding it difficult to live with myself, i am like a walking tragedy!!! There's a complete loss of sense of direction. Truly,'' nothing is the worst thing that can happen to anyone.''


Wow aane wala pal is now playing. Maybe my life is not that bad as i have portrayed it to be. I have had enough of this moral weight lifting and i hope i dont get myself some over-developed muscle. See, it requires just a song to put my entire being back on track. I dont want my life to be sweet n sticky on the outside and all white, messy, and disgusting on the inside. ( though it is some what like that )

Well exams are knocking at my dreams, doors n literally everywhere, so i have to stop being a spiritual barbarian. There's a lot of numerical work to be taken care of n lot of equations to be taken in the form of injections, so that they remain dissolved in my system. I love my life.

December is around the corner and i would be turning twenty in its first week and thats enough to scare me to further heights. I cant be a recluse at twenty but i cant help being unambitious ( the kids at kindergarden would be more ambitious than me ).

Every time my mom asks me.''what next?''
And i am like,'um........yeah.......lets see'
And mom's like,'' how are u going to face the world with this kind of an attitude?''

I usually dnt answer such questions which border on obscurity n the nearest way out is to remain silent. Other ways include casting furtive glances on the floor or any part of the universe. The whole idea is to make philosophical faces as if you are thinking about the origins of life on earth and the other person would note that you are actually thinking about the questions volleyed at you.

Now Playing: Tumhi dekho naa.................. Kabhi Alvida

THE MORNING PULSE AND ROAD KI RANI !!!!!!!!

CAUTION:: Not for cat lovers........

It was 5:30 a.m when i started from my aunt's house( obviously to the place where i live-------my sweet home ghonchu). Though my aunt was a bit apprehensive about me leaving that early ( u see gals can neither leave or return too early or too late. we are bhayanak stuck yaar! ), but i convinced her that i didnt want to get late for the practicals and that i had to reach college before nine. But my urgency had some other reasons. As usual i had not written the record and i kept telling myself that if i could reach home before six, then i would still have all the time in the world to write it. But it never happened coz Providence had some other plans. Keep scrolling to know why.

So finally i hit on the roads at 5:30. Though my mind was pre-occupied with records and pending work but my visual organs were engaged in a completely different activity. I think the reason i got so surprised becoz i had almost forgotten what an early morning looks like. I stressed my brain cells hard to remember the last time i had witnessed an early morning. Its been a long time ( read years or ages---most preferably the latter) since i woke up anywhere before seven. For the first time i hated myself for being a nocturnal creature.Everything was fresh and dewy, silent and verdure. I could feel the cool breeze grazing against my skin and giving me the resultory goose-bumps. I had almost forgotten what does it feel like getting up with the sun , breathing the fresh air, watching nature and feeling its pulse. ( oyye! Wordsworth ki chatti aulaad, reality mein aaja!!!!!! )

There was not a single soul on the roads except ikka dukka autos passing by, and then again silence would prevail. I kept on driving in this quietude for some distance and when i couldnt stand the silence anylonger i started honking just to ensure myself that i had my own company n there's nothing to get scared off. ( traits of a certified wacko/wierdo )

And for the first time i took notice of the roads. I realized that roads can look enormously sexy when they are bereft of traffic. Sounds a bit fey but the wide roads really turned me on and they looked as inviting as Ranbir Kapoor in the towel song. All this was enough to prime my adrenaline and unknowingly i raised the acceleration of my Activa. I could see the needle of the speed-oh-meter kissing the 70 mark and gosh! it was way above it. For the first time i felt weightless like a leaf in a gust of wind. At that speed the poor Activa started grunting like a pig and began swaying. In other words it was cursing me,''kameeni khud toh maregi mujhe bhi maar dalegi kya? Naa toh tu basanti hai aur naa main dhanno, aur hamare picche gabbar bhi nahin hai, phir kya pagal kutte ne kata hai tujhe, mujhe itna tez kyun bhaga rahi hai karamjali??????''

So it was time to shower some lenity on the poor thing, by bringing down the speed to 40 something. It felt much better at this pace. So i finally became Road ki Rani! ( yuck! sounds just so cheap ), or how about Road ki Sushmita or Road ki Aishwarya ( equally stale ). At last i was in the same league ( even though 4 a few seconds ) as that of the Pulsar and Apache riding hunks who manage to snake their way in the traffic. Now i have to raise a toast ( mark the elevation in status ) for those brave hearts. I wonder how they manage to drive super fast even in heavy traffic; i get super scared driving that fast on empty roads, forget in traffic. I guess speed is not meant for the XX species. Eventhough i am eulogizing those hunks, but when they pass by me in real life, i simply murmur,'' saale, ameer baap ki aulaad, pata nahin kitno ko kutchlenge?'' I didnt want people to think the same about me, u see after all i am a not so bigadi hui aulaad. Basically i am a good human being and i have enormous civic sense and i do abide by the traffic rules. I am also a good driver, corroborated by the fact that i have met only thrice with accidents ( thats almost negligible when compared with the gory statistics of others )and escaped sans injuries.

BLAST FROM THE PAST:: Once i ran the scooter over a cat, but surprisingly even the cat escaped without any injury. I am so sure coz i checked in the rear view mirror, everything looked normal in the ' cat-walk' , but i could see that the cat had a bulging stomach, maybe it was pregnant, or was contesting for the MISS FAT CAT CONTEST, or it suffered some internal injury. Imagine the cat giving birth to an autistic kitten courtesy the accident. It would require a JADOO to help the imbecile cat to win over other female cats. But i am more in favour of ' like mating like', so i'll have to run over another pregnant cat and then pray god that it delivers an autistic kitten, preferably a female one. If its a male cat, then they'll make the first GAY CAT PAIR ever on this earth. That would be quite an achievement. I hope the PETA people dont sue me for harbouring such crazy thoughts. You see i am trying to find life partners for the poor cats, i am arranging love for them. Where do you find good souls like me in today's world?

Anywayz back to present. At the XIMB square i saw some nightie clad fat aunties talking the morning walk. Now these are certainly the daring types coz walking on the roads in trasparent nighties requires a lot of guts. But if we keep the guts part aside, it looked a bit obscene and vulgar and even from a distance i could easily notice their lingerie. I had nothing else to do except gaping in horror and disbelief. I really wanted to stop by them and say,'' kuch toh sharam karo auntyji, mardon ki niyat kya kam kharaab hai jo aap use aur kharaab karne mein tulli huyi ho. satyanash ho aap ka.'' In the negative sense maybe this is the only time n chance that these aunties get to titillate other people's senses and in the positive sense, maybe they are still donating their clothes to the Tsunami victims!!!!!! I was terribly upset at this sight coz i intended to catch some smart management guys jogging or running in trunks, and while vrooming past them i could say,'' nice muscles dude.'' Unfortunately i didnt see any and it doesnt matter coz i am super shy and not bold enough to pass such comments to guys, that to stranger guys is next to impossible. U see there are more chances of Dino Morea learning acting skills than me doing such things. I wonder why aaj ki jawaan peedhi doesn't indulge in any physical activity ( i mean sports n stuff ), especially guys? Maybe all of us have become so nocturnal that we stand as a fierce competition to owls, bats n other night creatures. So come on jaago all u mohan pyaare's.

By the time i reached the NH, the elements of both the macro and the micro cosm ( sun n apni janta yaar! ) started to make their presence felt, but unfortunately i couldnt catch a glimpse of the rising sun as i was speeding towards the west ( glimpse of the RISING SUN?? well that reminds me of Ash's sasurji in that stupid movie called Mohabbatein ). And apart from children defecating on the road sides, nothing else on the NH caught the attention of my rather unpoetic eye or is worth typing about. Moreover i dont have a blatant disrespect for the reader's time n patience ( as if i have readers for this fudge, but never mind umeed pe toh duniya kayam hai! ),otherwise i can go on n on. I am quite a chatterbox. Well, i reached home 10 mins before six n instead of heading straight into writing the record, i sit writing this fudge.

I think the celurean sky, the early morning freshness accompanied by the early morning silence has inspired me to write. I somehow feel reborn and rejuvenated n i hope this would help increase my levels of tolerance.( apparently i can tolerate anything except Himesh Reshammiya's songs............i go ape when i listen to them. I think he sets the perfect example as to how songs should not be sung n with that cap he looks like bandar ke sar pe tarbooz. Mera bas chale toh jantar mantar daal ke usko gadha bana dun. I wonder how people tolerate such a nosy n noisy singer??????? ) So I put on my fav song of Bryan Adams ( summer of 69 ) on the real player n i have decided to get up early from tomorrow onwards. Well i believe in the philosophy of, AAJ KARE SO KAL KAR, KAL KARE SO PARSON, ITNI JALDI KYA HAI BANDHU JAB JEENA HAI BARSON. ( i am good at stealing lines, i guess!!! )

ADDED LATER:This post was meant to be published last monday, but thanks to a shaky net connection n a dead telephone its getting published today n i continue to get up happily post 7'o' clock. I think its quite a hard task to get rid off the habits that i have so carefully and happily inculcated in me over the years.

NOW PLAYING: You took my heart away........................ Michael Learns to Rock

THE OPEN WINDOW ( four yrs back )

Caution:: It isnt a work of fiction.........


Well it was around half past 10 ( some four years back ),when i sauntered onto the terrace to relax my brain which i had over-exercised in solving the physics problems. The terrace was cloaked in an eerie silence and the night was drenched in a cool soft darkness. I stood staring at the moon which was looking pale and enormous, casting its silvery beams all over the place. Like a hopeless romantic I stood gazing at the moon silently and i was filled with its ecstatic loveliness. But this act, though lovely could not be continued for a longer period of time coz my neck started to ache and i shifted angles, where it pained less i.e I started to look around instead of looking up.

It was a not so chilly winter night but most of the people ( it seemed ) had gone to sleep as i couldnt spot any lights in the houses except one or five here n there. Some of the windows were open and i could see some people studying or writing. Apparently the guy i had caught studying was an engineering student and i had crush on him back then. Leaning on the confines of the terrace i began enjoying this romantic interlude by watching my crush cudgeling his brains and i couldnt help myself from smiling and imagining things. There was no room in my mind for anything except a radiant happiness and a driving desire to be alne with him. I have absolutely no idea for how long i stood there watching this ineluctable guy and deriving comfort by watching him. You see oppurtunities like these only come once ( toh chance pe dance karna hai beta ).

After sometime he lost interest in doing the thing he was doing and started staring out of the window into the dark. From his window I could easily be spotted but i guess he wasnt looking up. I am sure had he seen me he would have been shaken, mistaking me for a spectre in the dark. He kept staring into the dark and i noticed a faint smile was breaking at the corners of his mouth. It was magnetically appealing and the first genuine smile in the lap of solitude that i had witnessed. Maybe he was reminded of somebody ( could be his galfrend ). Oh!!!!!! how i hated that moment when i saw him smiling and i knew that there was someone else on his mind. It seems the height of sentimental stupidity now. Anywayz my pash crashed n burned there itself and i lost interest in him afterwards as he appeared stupid to me. ( A little secret: this was one of my crushes which lasted for over a year; apparently i have had 12 crushes till date and surprisingly i remember all of them. You see i was more like Saif of Dil Chahta Hai fame; i fell in love with every guy i met! ) Well after sometime the guy got bored of staring n he switched off the lights n went to sleep ( i suppose ).

But the night didnt end there. I frantically looked around for some lights, some open windows, some guys studying, to satisfy my kink of watching people stealthily. Oh!!!!!! i was desperately seeking for a faraway company. But the Universe was under no obligation to give me what i expected, on the contrary it gave me what i least expected. That night i became the witness of a much private act that has left an indelible impressionon my mind and even though four years have elapsed, that eventful night is very much fresh in my memory as if it were just yesterday. ( Did u guys get any hint??????? ) Never mind its time to talk turkey.

I was feeling sleepy and my legs were cramping, courtesy the prolonged standing and when i was about to leave i saw that the lights in the house located at the back of our residence were still on. Well curiosity took the reason prisoner and i walked those dreaded five odd steps to get a clear view of the open window. I was unaware that those steps would be haunting me for the rest of my life. I was in for a shocker. The night reached its dramatic denouement, when my eyes caught a couple engaged in the act of cunnilingus!!!!!!!!


Now those of you who dont know what it is, then better look up in a dictionary or surf the net, coz under no exigent circumstances I'll be typing what it means. I guess i am not bold enough to type what it means. Now, for a brief moment of time ( read few seconds ) i stood blandly looking at them. My brain just stopped functioning. Imagine a 16 yr old gal, just out of school, whose sole experience of watching a love making scene was in the movie Titanic, surely images like this could be arrantly disturbing. The next thing that i remember was me rushing down the stairs like greased lightning into the calm confines of my room.

I couldnt sleep that night as thoughts were tearing in and out of my mind. My heart was certainly beating a bit too fast and i thought it would explode any moment. I was overcome by nervousness for some unknown reason. Even today i have goose bumps all over me when i think of that odious night. But there's an element that has left me befuddled till date. Why did the couple have to leave the window open and were those creatures out of their minds to leave the lights on?????? As far as i know coition is something that people prefer to have in the dark. But these guys were not even copulating, they were engaged in something even more disgusting. I guess cunnilingus leads to coition!!!!!!!! But i am not a voyuer or a reprobate to witness such intimacies eventhough people make a public spectacle of it.

For somedays after that night i abstained myself from going onto the terrace especially at nights . Even when i resumed going onto the terrace i stopped hunting for open windows. Even though i got crazy for somedays but that night certainly cured me of my kinky nature.


NOW PLAYING: Lets make a night........... Bryan Adams

GOLDEN COLLECTION

1: Dost dost naa raha........


one of the greatest compositions, i wonder why this song has always been the butt of friendly raillery for ages now. I heard the song recently and i had goose bumps all over me right from the start when Raj Kapoor starts playing the piano. Though nasal, but Hemant Kumar has a distinct style of his own and i place him along with Rafi, who have carved a niche for themselves in the melancholic department of life. I have not seen this movie( Sangam )but the way the song has been picturised, i dont think anyone can ameliorate on it. Kudos to the director ( Raj Kapoor i think ). The video is entirely focussed on the facial expressions which clearly surfaces the guilt of the heart in an inexplicable manner. Just listen to the antara and i guarantee you will fall in love with this song. It clearly elucidates the agony, pain, and hurt one goes through, during contretemps caused by friends and loved ones. I was so enraptured by the lyrics that i kept playing it over and over again till my mother got suspicious and she started to imagine me in the shoes of Raj Kapoor. This is probably the first of its kind where the composer has romanticised betrayal. The lyrics leave a lump in the throat if one fully connects with the song, but the romantic undertones help us enjoy the song for the sheer perfection in all departments-------singing, lyrics, composition, or the picturisation.



2:(a) Aapki aankhon mein kuch..........

Though its difficult for me to pick up my favorite in the romantic genre from a cornucopia of songs that Bollywood has churned out over the ages, but i can count on this song and it always tops my ' now playing ' list. Its one of R.D's sweetest composition, and every time i hear this song it transcends me into new states of ecstasy and radiant happiness, filling my heart with new found loveliness. It makes you fall in love with love itself, and if you are in love then its just the icing on the cake. The lyrics abound with hyperbolic expressions and sweet nothings that guys use to woo their beloved. If you are a good singer, then there's no better song to express your love, and if you are not then gift a CD of this song along with some others and just watch the magic. Gosh! Kishore Kumar! you are blessed enough to sing such a song. I am yet to watch the video, hence when ever i hear it, the image of kishore singing it starts playing in front of my eyes and my respect for him deepens.Though its a duet but somehow Kishore's voice over-shadows Lata's. Well its from the movie called Ghar.

(b) Roz roz aankhon tale..............

I think RD is the Midas of the music industry. Every song of his is worthy enough to be a part of the golden collection of Hindi songs, and roz roz is one of those songs which would be continually playing in the confines of my brain even if its not playing on the real player. I first read about this song on Guruji's blog ( about whom i would be writing shortly ), and i am thankful to him for making me a part of the comfort, and soothing melody that the song endows on its listeners. Now, i am a hopeless romantic and sometimes when i listen to this song, i strike off the lights especially at nights and i try to romanticize the ambience. You might think that i am exaggerating but my complex mind never gives me a satisfactory answer as to why i do this. Sometimes my mind goes completely blank listening to this song,and what thoughts cross my mind becomes difficult for me to comprehend. God! i cant write any further, except that it is sung by Asha and Yesudas. Its from the movie Jeeva.

(c) Jab deep jale aana..................

I enjoy this song as much as the above two. The song is based on raag kalyan ( i think ), and its the aalaap of the song that i cherish the most. Songs like this have become extinct today, and its one of the few songs that fills me with regret. I wish i had some more knowledge of music, so that i could have atleast made a futile attempt of singing the song. I wonder why Yesudas has sung such few songs. I am sure, had this voice been further utilised and explored, then Yesudas today would have been ranked with the likes of Kishore and Rafi. How could a classic barritone, slip into oblivion so easily? I find his songs much more soulful than anybody else's and are filled with a tremendous amount of humility and devotion.


Well there are many other masterpieces on my playlist about whom i would be writing shortly. I am typing while listening to these songs and I am trying to catch my thoughts at the same time. So its getting quite cumbersome and i dont want to destroy the charm of these songs by typing fudge. So its better i sign off.

THE PLUVIAL GUEST

Towards evening the drizzle became a steady shower and by night the air and earth were drenched as the storm reached its height. The sea was lashed into a fury giving birth to hungry waves, eager to devour the whole of Madhapur with every rise and fall. And the concomitants, thunder and lightning gave the impression that the demons were probably in cahoots with Nature to destroy Madhapur. The streets were horrifyingly deserted and the night was arcanely black. Even the insane canine kalu could be found no where. At this inopportune time when Nature had compelled the few hundred souls of Madhapur to stay inside, a figure----man or woman?, was found sauntering on the streets. The figure at first seemed like an incarnation of the evil but closer inspection revealed the figure to be a woman----drenched to the skin, and shivering with cold.
She seemed to be searching for something. Finally her blurred eyes were able to get sight of a faint light that managed to escape the crack, in the door of a faraway house, making it all the more conspicuous in the black ambience. Her spirits rose instantly, and she ambled towards this unknown territory, gathering all her reserved strength eventhough the darkness was closing in on her brain. She raised her fist to bang the door, but the sound of the bang got lost in the loud and reverberating noise of the thunder and lightning, to wake the sleeping souls on the other side of the door. The waiting was neither pleasant nor unpleasant for her; it was a time spent in a state of anxiety. But the darkness had possesed her brain; it simply could not function. She was thrown into a state of black nothingness, This was Shanti and she had entered the gates of Raghuvir Kuteer.

Raghuvir Shastri had always been an early riser. He was the retired headmaster of Madhapur High School, who taught the much dreaded subject; Mathematics. He had a great affinity for numbers and social service. It was mainly because of his active involvement and dedicated hard work that Madhapur was now a conurbation and was recieving grants from the government for further development. The people owed a lot to Raghuvir Shastri and every young boy of Madhapur wanted to become like him. Inspite of the repeated requests, Shastri never poked his head into politics as he believed that politics corrupts one's soul. But Shastri's, Raghuvir Kuteer was never a happy home.
Earlier chapters in Shastri's history revealed that his wife had succumbed to tuberculosis leaving behind a daughter of 8. He raised her with much love and affection, and was ardently supported by his widowed sister, who was no less than a mother figure. The daughter was married into a wealthy family at the tender age of 16. Just when Shastri was beginning to enjoy life and thanking God for his graciousness, the bitter tidings of his daughter's death; a year after the marriage, broke him completely. With his son-in-law abandoning the baby, Shastri had no option but to bring his grand daughter with him to Madhapur. He named her after his own daughter, Vrinda.

When Shastri woke up the rain had stopped but the wind was still high. The day was breaking. He looked up at the wall clock and saw that it was already five. Usually, Shastri's daily routine included getting up early and venturing towards the sea to pay homage to the rising sun. But, today the overcast sky upsetted his routine and he was sure there would be no sun to pay homage to. These days Shastri was earning his livelihood by giving private tutions to students. He could have easily continued teaching at the High School, but after his daughter's death Shastri was reluctant to shoulder any responsibility. He resigned at the age of 52.It was sunday morning. Shastri was busy getting ready for the class which was to commence at half past eight. He was searching for his cane, which he was sure, little Vrinda had hid some where to save the boys from getting thrashed.
Suddenly, out of nowhere, he heard a cry of horror, and his sister shouting, '' Bhaiya, bhaiyaa........come over here, there's a, there's a.......'' Shastri thought,'' O God, she's started again. I just hope some sunlight enters her mind.'' Apparently, Shastri's sister, better known as Lakshmiamma possessed the talent of raising a storm in a tea cup. Shastri was sure she had found a dead kitten or a mouse in the backyard. But she seemed to be calling from the entrance. Reluctantly Shastri proceeded towards the main door.

At first he could not believe what he saw. He saw a human figure lying motionless in front of he main door. For a brief moment Shastri stood there blandly looking at the figure. Lakshmiamma had already started crying and cursing at the same time--- one of her many idiosyncracies. '' Why did she have to die here in our house? Now, the police will come and arrest all of us. What will happen to little Vrinda? God has no mercy on us.'' Telling her to shut up, Shastri bent down and touched her forehead. It was cold and lifeless. His mental turmoil soon reached a state of calmness when he found the pulse. With the help of his sister, Shastri carried the figure into the shanty in the backyard.
It was three days later that Shanti regained conciousness. Lakshmiamma found her to be too abstemious and annoying, but Shanti's health ameliorated within no time. Whenever the subject of ' who she was. Where did she come from and what was she doing in Madhapur?', was broached, Shanti kept mysteriously quiet. But strangely enough Lakshmiamma dealt with the convalescent much more patiently than expected. One night ( almost a week later since she was found at the door ) Shanti came running into the house and genuflecting infront of Shastri, pleaded, '' Sahib you have saved me. I owe my life to you. I am a poor beggar woman. I have nowhere to go. Please let me stay here. Accept me as your servant. Please dont ask me to leave. You know that the world can be cruel to a lonely woman. Kind father have mercy on me.''
Shastri looked at her for the first time. She was about 30. She was tall and elegant, not obese but fleshed out. There was a self-assuarance in her, inspite of all her pretence of helplessness. Some how Shastri could not convince himself of her being a beggar woman. She appeared to be much refined and cultured. Finally Shastri allowed her to work for Raghuvir Kuteer as a maid with out pay and she was allowed to stay in the shanty and share the food with the Shastri family.

Within no time Shanti became indispensable to the members of Raghuvir Kuteer. Raghuvir Kuteer regained its lost happiness and there was a re-return of the so called ' family life ', with the advent of Shanti. Little Vrinda found in her a mother and a companion. For hours they would be lost in their little world full of fun and banter. Shanti, with her novel ideas and games would throw Vrinda into inexplicable states of excitement. Their time would be spent in catching butterflies and roaming around Madhapur.Life was no more a hopeless affair for Shastri. Shanti was able to create a magic circle of timelessness around him. Shastri never really liked the company of women, but with Shanti minutes would easily slip into hours. Many a times Shanti would strike him speechless with her never ending filibuster. She was able to touch the inner most chords of human warmth in him. In such a manner five months of fun and frolic elapsed. But Nature seemed to work against their happiness.

But, this pure and uncomplex relationship began to cast its demonic shadows on the integrity and honesty of Shastri's character. Their relationship was discussed in public and Shastri was accused of being a man of lusty and unshamed appetites. Shanti was treated like a pariah and people started calling her a concubine. But the inhabitants of Raghuvir Kuteer were lost in their little world full of radiant happiness, and it was Lakshmiamma who started showing signs of resentment towards Shanti. Slowly Shastri started losing students in his coaching classes and when there was a drastic dip in his finances, Shastri realised the gravity of the situation. At first he tried to stifle the thoughts, but Shanti could clearly see them written on his face.

Inspite of her debonaire attitude, Shanti became mentally dazed and sick. She started withdrawing from everyone. Nobody knew what thoughts crossed her mind. Shanti's spirits drooped despite her own efforts to revive them. Whenever she blew out the candle, and burrowed her head into the pillow, flashes of her past life would start playing in front of her eyes. Sometimes memories comeback with a lot of acid and become even more painful when the present is also as acidic as the past. Shanti desperately wanted to cry but the tears would not come. Shanti could no longer bear the agony of her own thoughts. It was a black overcast night and a fine rain began to fall. Shanti walked into the street with its over arching trees. The sea was furious but it recieved Shanti with much warmth and affection. The last thing that Shanti remembered was that queer look on Shastri's face. His eyes were looking through her and beyond her when Shanti bade him goodbye. His face wore an expression that Shanti's uncomplex mind could not comprehend. She closed her eyes and in her mind was engraved every detail of Shastri's face.

Now Shanti resides only in the hollows and dells of memory of the inhabitants of Raghuvir Kuteer.

AM I A HYPOCRITE????????????

Its been a few days, since I have been questioning myself,'' am I a hypocrite?'' I asked my sister, and pat came the reply, '' yes dear, you are!! '' Well this answer certainly made my blood curdle, and thats the reason why I am cudgeling my brain, so that I can atleast satisfy myself, that maybe after all , hypocrisy is an imperative concomitant of a so called ' peaceful survival.' But who exactly is a hypocrite? The Oxford dictionary answered my query. Apparently a hypocrite is a person who makes false claims to virtue. My joy knew no bounds and I jumped in glee coz my sister had completely misinterpreted the word. I was heavily relieved to know that I am not exactly a hypocrite. Well I am not sure which word in the English dictionary can sum me up, but whatever it is, I am sure as hell, it is not hypocrite. So, dear sister, better brush up your word power or take a renege. Hey, but I am not signing off yet, I would like to filibuster for some time. So all you crazy busy bees reading my blog ( if any ), that cute little X on the top right hand corner of the screen can rescue you from tolerating this fudge of mine. For all others who have nothing else but TIME just like me, can keep scrolling.

Now analysing one's own character and personality is truly queer and quite a Herculean task, but i guess its better than analysing somebody else's. The way i conduct myself with others ( other than family members ) has no adumbration of my real self. I am like a curate's egg-----partly good and partly bad. I am a permanent denizen of the state of equilibrium, with sporadic visits to a faraway land where I become hyper and intolerable. The one thing that I like about myself, is the virtue to be sangfroid and I am seldom impulsive. Though I am not social by nature, but neither I am a loner or a party-poop. Its just that I am a bit moody, and though i dont have a problem with people, my own company is my predilection. There are a lot of things that i do not agree to, which completely demarcates me from the confrere. So what do i do? I just mend my ways and never open my gob until required. And this itself is the biggest irony coz i know i am a cent percent introvert but people find in me the greatest extrovert. Maybe thats why people like me and enjoy having a confabulation with me because i speak what they want to hear. I am sincere in the comments i make, making sure that i keep the sincerest to myself, so that i dont end up hurting them now and regretting later. I feel i have mastered the art of concealing my true feelings and letting them border on casualness. Maybe i do feign, but who doesn't? Now, if by that, my sister concluded that i am a hypocrite, then maybe i am, but i would not like to bank upon that notion. I would like to believe that i am a good human being caught in a rather unfamiliar world.


NOW PLAYING: Roobaroo roshni.............( Rangde basanti )